Hello, my name is Angie. I am a recovering empath. And I have a quote to share with you.
Honestly, I think about this at least once a week. When I studied with Pixie Lighthorse, it was powerful and humbling for her to explain this to our group of earth medicine practitioners. She said it just like this, "What if it is unethical to pick up on other people's emotions?" 🤯
Unethical?!?!
But but but…I can’t control who and what I feel! And besides, all these messy people who just avoid their work…THEY ARE THE PROBLEM!
Um. I deeply value ethics and integrity and boundaries. But omg, to discover you are a violator of other people’s boundaries takes some real cajones to admit. But that is the work we engage in here, no? We are engaged in meaningful self-discovery. I often say that I am on a fact-finding mission, and if I get stuck in the eddy of shame and guilt about not knowing something, then I will never change that thing.
If shame worked, we’d all be sober and thin. But it doesn’t and we aren’t.
There is two layers here. One is the one who is the empath, and the other is the one who is “empathed upon”. Last first, um, so, that is what I was feeling when people were trying to comfort me after Lucy died by saying, I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL, Angie, my cat died last year, cue tears. Now I am comforting the grieving cat mom and I feel less understood than before. It is also why it enraged me when people were telling me how I was feeling or reading me without my permission, and why my empathy wasn't healing me. Feeling other people’s emotions did nothing for me, but cause an autoimmune disorder and crippling anxiety.
Being "an empath" was not my path to psychic work or third eye opening, but my biggest blockage. Understanding that it is my work to keep boundaries around feeling other people's energy, not theirs, freed me. Pixie reminding me that being an empath and feeling other people’s feelings made it impossible for me to truly hold space for them. It made me messy and erratic. It also wasn’t exactly true. I am intuitive. I am empathic. But that involves wild sweeps of assumptions about another’s emotions. I have no idea if I was ever right about another person’s emotions. How presumptuous to think I ever knew that. Maybe what happened instead is that person triggered emotions of my own that I hadn’t touched in a while, and I thought they were theirs?
Pixie’s challenge and argument provoker empowered me to feel able to hold and maintain my boundaries around empathy and start doing some work around my wounded childhood. Not only that, it helped me understand and face my own emotions when I stopped feeling other people's emotions. I had spent so much of my childhood trying to figure out adult emotions, reading faces and body language to figure out what was going on, or how I should act that empathy became a natural result of being emotionally neglected and trying to read people’s emotions. You just become hypervigilant in any changes in the force. And by force, I mean, the force of emotions. Kids who grew up with emotional or physical neglect are hyperaware of the subtle, microchanges in someone’s facial expressions, emotional energy, and body language that defines a good 70% of communication. Energetic hygiene means clearing your own filter...a filter used to perceiving others through wounding and people pleasing.
Ethics and integrity is so important to me as a healer, and engaging in it means looking at ourselves--what can I control? Me. But first I had to divorce the moniker Empath, and embrace myself as a highly sensitive neurodivergent person. As I am preparing my work teaching my first online Earth Medicine Mentoring Circle, I know boundaries, energetic hygiene and understanding our gifts is going to be my first stop.
Where are you on this journey?
Kyra and I talked about the dark relationship between narcissists and empaths on my podcast a few years ago.