Episode 91: on grief, gratitude and the holy scream

This week, I’m returning to the writings that shaped the earliest years of my healing after my daughter Lucia’s stillbirth in 2008. These three essays — one on the holy clearing power of the scream, one on the deep and complicated dance of gratitude during suffering, and one on the Buddhist tonglen practice — map my journey through grief, spiritual awakening, sobriety, and self-compassion.

These pieces were written from the raw center of my heart:

• when I was newly grieving,

• newly sober,

• newly trying to exist inside a body again,

• newly understanding what compassion actually means.

In this episode, I read:

1. “Scream, Baby” — written two years after my son Zachary’s birth and his time in the NICU, exploring pain, primal release, and the scream as an act of healing.

2. “Gratitude” — an essay confronting spiritual bypassing, toxic positivity, and what gratitude looks like when you’re grieving, not in spite of grief.

3. “Tonglen: A Meditation for When You’re in the Weeds” — a compassionate, trauma-informed exploration of the Buddhist practice that helped me breathe inside my pain instead of trying to outrun it.

Here is a brief (2 minute) meditation for those moments after you scream or when you feel stuck.

Here is a brief (4 minute) tonglen practice meditation:

If you’re grieving, healing, overwhelmed, or simply human — this episode is for you.

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Here are some essential tonglen resources by Pema Chödrön:

• Good Medicine: How to Turn Pain Into Compassion with Tonglen Meditation

• Video/DVDs

• Audio Book (My recommendation)

• Pema Chödrön & Alice Walker: On Tonglen – Dialogue/Audio: A dialogue format exploring how tonglen works in suffering and compassion.

• Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living (Pema Chödrön): A broader companion resource that includes lojong slogans etc.

• The Pocket Pema Chödrön (Anthology): A compact anthology that includes shorter pieces from her work — handy for quick reference.

• Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness (Pema Chödrön): More advanced layer of her teachings, useful for deeper study.

 Additional Articles & Teachings on Tonglen

• “Good Medicine For This World” – an article on Lion’s Roar that explores how Pema Chödrön and Alice Walker talk about tonglen. Lion’s Roar

• “Tonglen: The Path of Transformation” by Pema Chödrön (via Nalanda Translation) – a practical guide for the practice. Nālandā Translation Committee

• Wikipedia summary on tonglen’s origins, practice, and context. Wikipedia

Additional Writings on Tonglen

Love on Every Breath: Tonglen Meditation for Transforming Pain into Joy  – May 28, 2019 by Lama Palden Drolma 

Training the Mind: & Cultivating Loving-Kindness  Chögyam Trungpa

Bodhichitta: Practice for a Meaningful Life by Lama Zopa Rinpoche 

 Old Angie writing

• My essays from Still Life with Circles blog about tonglen and my journey

• My grief writings from Glow in the Woods

Episode 69: Workaholism, Self-care, and Dropping with Angie

In this episode, which I initially wrote as an open letter to my clients and friends, is actually a series of writings about workaholism, alcoholism, codependency, self-care, self-preservation, being of service to others and some of my history. It is split up in 6 parts. I hope it resonates.

I also mention some things. Last words are Those last four words are not mine. It is Ho’oponopono, the Hawaiian practice that combines love, forgiveness, repentance, and gratitude in four powerful phrases. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I Thank you. I love you.

 Links I mention:

⁠https://reductress.com/⁠

⁠https://www.amazon.com/Laura-Dernoot-Lipsky-Trauma-Stewardship/dp/B07VPNP3XF/⁠

Holding Space

I love the phrase “Holding Space”. I love the way it makes you think about space as something tangible and weighty. I definitely think of space this way—substantive, tangible, having its own energy. I walk into places and feel my energy rise and feel joyful and other places that drag me down and creep me out. The lovely side effects of being a highly sensitive person, neurodivergent, psychic, weird. Whatever you want to call it. I also feel that from people. Authenticity. The energy signature of each person is a bit different. It is how I feel my father with me even though he died five years ago. I feel his energy.

When I studied with my mentor, Pixie Lighthorse, we covered holding space—creating a safe environment for our clients and for ourselves. Of course, all my teachers cover sacred space and how to create an energetic neutral environment, but this was different. We talked about how to HOLD space. How to create a vessel for safety and trust. How to honor our clients. How to respect ourselves. We talked about psychological terms like transference and counter-transference. I can hear you say, “But those are psychological terms, Angie, and you aint a psychologist.”

True dat.

But the psychological model can be very useful for all of us who hold space for other people. Without a governing body, energy workers, Reiki practitioners, tarot readers, yogis, spiritual coaches, all of us really can get lost on our path. We burn out from working on people. Boundaries get crossed without us even knowing their should be a boundary there. Most of us need some guidance or guideposts on the way. A kind of moral compass and guide book for this landscape of energy.

When I got my first certification, I hung a shingle. I saw friends and colleagues, expanding my business online and in-person. I loved it. I held Moon Circles with no qualification other than I had been to Moon Circles. And as I got deeper into the work, the clients came to me with complex issues that needed a multi-pronged approach, and I had no idea what to do.

This is me saying—I made a lot of mistakes in my practice and my circles.

I let myself get triangulated. I became friends with clients and then had them calling with at all hours with Tarot emergencies. I tried to do everything for clients. I had my work and classes stolen from me by students. I let people not show up to appointments or come in late and got more and more resentful without talking to them. Truthfully, I was just a person in over her head in a community that were searching for more than I was trained to give.

Studying with Pixie changed my perspective. I am a professional and holding space is the most important part of my job. For my sanity and for the wellness of other people. I love research. I call myself a research monkey (though, honestly, the more I think about that, the more it sounds like I let people experiment on me). When I began my healing journey, I found called to work on others. When I began my healing trauma, I went down some really important rabbit holes for being trauma-informed in my practice. I felt I had unknowingly allowed my own privilege and bias not inform my practice. I have always taught ethics and boundaries in my circles, but through the years, it deepened and expanded with the core of my beliefs residing in love, kindness, and compassion. From there I rebuilt my approach to not only be loving, kind and compassionate to my clients, but also loving, kind and compassionate to me.

As I have said before, my philosophy can be summed up as “Do no harm, but take no shit.”

Ethics + learning how to hold space were the cornerstones of my successful energy healing practice. They’re the North Star that guides you to successfully have a thriving practice and honor your precious clients and protect your energy.

I am very honored to bring you the full scope of holding space, ethics + trauma-informed crystal therapy. My goal with this class is to EMPOWER you to have a practice that fulfills you, brings out the best in you, and serves your client’s highest needs.

I originally taught this class at Hibiscus Moon Crystal Academy, and am offering it here. Read more about it here: