Episode 91: on grief, gratitude and the holy scream

This week, I’m returning to the writings that shaped the earliest years of my healing after my daughter Lucia’s stillbirth in 2008. These three essays — one on the holy clearing power of the scream, one on the deep and complicated dance of gratitude during suffering, and one on the Buddhist tonglen practice — map my journey through grief, spiritual awakening, sobriety, and self-compassion.

These pieces were written from the raw center of my heart:

• when I was newly grieving,

• newly sober,

• newly trying to exist inside a body again,

• newly understanding what compassion actually means.

In this episode, I read:

1. “Scream, Baby” — written two years after my son Zachary’s birth and his time in the NICU, exploring pain, primal release, and the scream as an act of healing.

2. “Gratitude” — an essay confronting spiritual bypassing, toxic positivity, and what gratitude looks like when you’re grieving, not in spite of grief.

3. “Tonglen: A Meditation for When You’re in the Weeds” — a compassionate, trauma-informed exploration of the Buddhist practice that helped me breathe inside my pain instead of trying to outrun it.

Here is a brief (2 minute) meditation for those moments after you scream or when you feel stuck.

Here is a brief (4 minute) tonglen practice meditation:

If you’re grieving, healing, overwhelmed, or simply human — this episode is for you.

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Here are some essential tonglen resources by Pema Chödrön:

• Good Medicine: How to Turn Pain Into Compassion with Tonglen Meditation

• Video/DVDs

• Audio Book (My recommendation)

• Pema Chödrön & Alice Walker: On Tonglen – Dialogue/Audio: A dialogue format exploring how tonglen works in suffering and compassion.

• Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living (Pema Chödrön): A broader companion resource that includes lojong slogans etc.

• The Pocket Pema Chödrön (Anthology): A compact anthology that includes shorter pieces from her work — handy for quick reference.

• Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness (Pema Chödrön): More advanced layer of her teachings, useful for deeper study.

 Additional Articles & Teachings on Tonglen

• “Good Medicine For This World” – an article on Lion’s Roar that explores how Pema Chödrön and Alice Walker talk about tonglen. Lion’s Roar

• “Tonglen: The Path of Transformation” by Pema Chödrön (via Nalanda Translation) – a practical guide for the practice. Nālandā Translation Committee

• Wikipedia summary on tonglen’s origins, practice, and context. Wikipedia

Additional Writings on Tonglen

Love on Every Breath: Tonglen Meditation for Transforming Pain into Joy  – May 28, 2019 by Lama Palden Drolma 

Training the Mind: & Cultivating Loving-Kindness  Chögyam Trungpa

Bodhichitta: Practice for a Meaningful Life by Lama Zopa Rinpoche 

 Old Angie writing

• My essays from Still Life with Circles blog about tonglen and my journey

• My grief writings from Glow in the Woods

On Sensitivity, Neurodivergence & the Spiritual Design of Feeling Deeply

I’ve had a weird week.

On Saturday, while playing a spirited, borderline-competitive pickleball match (or three), I collided with my almost-11-year-old and managed to dislocate/hyperextend two fingers by landing on my hand backwards. As I was going down — in that slow-motion moment when your body knows something regrettable is coming — I thought, “Oh, this is going to hurt.” But there wasn’t enough time to fix anything. Crunch. Two fingers pointing in directions fingers do not point.

Luckily, my husband — who is both a nurse anesthetist and disturbingly unfazed by what I call “home surgery” — pulled them back into place. They were swollen, purple, furious — and, of course, on my dominant hand.

Do you know how much you do with your fingers?

Life handed me a minute to find out. And by minute, I mean, six days and counting.

I had big plans for the week: creating stained-glass ornaments for my shop, working on crafts, catching up on holiday prep for my Moon + Stone Healing Studio Open House on the 29th… but my hand said nope. As they say, we plan and God laughs. Instead of rushing around, I spent a morning at radiology (nothing broken, thankfully) and the rest of the week staring down all the things I wanted to do but couldn’t.

There’s a strange kind of Buddhist meditation in that liminal place — being unwell while daydreaming about all the tiny, boring, daily tasks you wish you could do… and remembering that when you’re well, those same tasks feel like they’re coated in anthrax.

Yesterday, I slept most of the day because I pushed my fingers too far the day before and the pain was intense. Ice, malachite, and unconsciousness were my only tools. By 3 p.m., even my hair hurt — my personal signal that I’ve crossed into the land of overstimulation, hypersensitivity, and the urgent need for dark rooms and quiet.

In short, if you haven’t figured it out already:

I am a Highly Sensitive Person. And I am absolutely, unmistakably neurodivergent — definitely ADHD, maybe a touch autistic, and probably a handful of other things I haven’t explored yet.

A few weeks ago, I was talking with a friend about ADHD, and she said she wasn’t sure labels mattered. And I understand that, I do. But I keep thinking about being a Highly Sensitive, neurodivergent kid in a “normal” world. My inability to do what other kids did with ease made me believe my brain was broken, and even further that I was broken. Grossly incapable, even when a therapist told me I was hard to work with because I was “a little more than capable.” Was I, though? I was burnt out and imploding when I went to see him. I was there specifically because I was not capable.

Truth is: I was the smart, “gifted” kid who could never keep it together, who forgot her homework, or whose dog literally ate it. The one who got constant lectures about “wasting my potential.” I remember a teacher yelling at my sister that she would never amount to anything and knowing — deep in my bones — he was yelling at me too.

That became a shadow wound I carried for decades, experiences filled with tiny humiliations and secret shames I tucked away like contraband:

• I struggle with executive function.

• I struggle with “normal life things.”

• I cannot close cabinet doors (I literally don’t see them).

• I forget basic tasks while spending hours alphabetizing my spices by region and use.

• I am not wired like most humans.

• I struggle to function in a world built for neurotypical speed and linear thinking.

I was always either too much or not enough. Always ON — dancing, performing, cartwheeling around town, jumping off furniture, kissing my mom’s hand until she lost patience (and honestly, who could blame her? There were two of us doing it — twin chaos).

Eventually, you internalize it. You can’t fit in. You are weird, loony, loud, sometimes too reserved. You believe with all your heart that your brain is defective. You believe you are defective. And maybe you start drinking because bourbon quiets that inner bully for a moment. Or I did. I did all those things. Can anyone relate?

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I learned I was neurodivergent — ADHD (a weirdo hyperactive woman) — and when I discovered the framework of Highly Sensitive People, something inside me finally exhaled. I saw myself clearly for the first time: the overstimulation, the big feelings, the intuitive knowing, the sensory overwhelm that makes even your hair hurt.

Finding the right language for my brain helped me begin healing that wounded, too-much child inside me. And I am still healing her. Every day.

All of this — the injury, the overwhelm, the (literal) hair pain — threw me back into thinking about what it means to be both Highly Sensitive and neurodivergent in a world built for people who… aren’t.

We talk about ADHD, burnout, overwhelm, sensory issues, autism, trauma patterns, emotional intensity — but rarely do we talk about the spiritual layer underneath all of that. The gifts inside the wiring. The magic inside the overwhelm.

For most of my life, I thought my feelings were the problem. My brain was the problem. I was the problem.

But now I know something I wish someone had whispered into my ear when I was seven years old, turning cartwheels in the living room:

My sensitivity isn’t a glitch — it’s a guidance system.

My neurodivergence isn’t a deficit — it’s a design.

Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) have what psychologists call sensory processing sensitivity — essentially, we take in more information and process it more deeply.

Neurodivergent brains (ADHD, autism, AuDHD, gifted wiring, trauma-shaped wiring) also take in more — more sensory data, more emotional signals, more patterns, more meaning.

Put HSP + neurodivergence together, and you get the deep-feelers, the intuitive ones, the pattern trackers, the artists, the healers, the truth-tellers, the mystics.

Not broken.

Not defective.

Just different. Designed for depth.

The Spiritual Gifts of Sensitivity & Neurodivergence

1. Hyper-sensitivity = intuitive knowing

Your nervous system picks up information before your conscious mind can translate it. This isn’t “overreacting.” It’s energetic intelligence.

2. You’re an emotional barometer

You feel the emotional weather of a room before anyone names it. This helps heal, guide, attune, and connect.

3. You’re a natural transmuter

You metabolize emotion — personal, ancestral, collective. This is healer work, even when it doesn’t feel glamorous.

4. The veil is thinner for you

Dreams, intuition, synchronicity, tarot, spirit nudges — they come through clearer because your inner world is active and alive.

5. Built-in compassion

Your heart sees the wounded child inside others. Sensitivity is emotional intelligence in its highest form.

6. Neurodivergent bodies reject misalignment

You cannot force yourself into toxic environments or inauthentic relationships without paying an emotional or physical price. Your wiring demands truth.

7. It’s a soul contract

Many of us come into this life sensitive on purpose — to heal ancestral lines, to soften the world, to create art, to anchor compassion, to help others feel.

Being sensitive and neurodivergent isn’t an accident. It’s a calling.

You Are Not Broken. You Are Built for Depth.

If no one told you this as a child — or an adult — let me tell you now:

You were never too much.

You were never not enough.

You were always the exact right amount.

Your sensitivity is sacred.

Your neurodivergence is a gift.

Your depth is your design.

I’m grateful you’re here — in all your too-much, not-enough, beautifully wired glory.

impermanence

Hello, my Buttercup,

In the tiniest moments, if I take a breath, focus my attention, center myself, if I empty the mind of its chatter, and pay attention to the blood coursing through my veins, I find peace.

It takes work. A cup of tea, when poured into a beautiful mug and encircled with crystals, a prayer of thanksgiving, and all attention on the act of drinking tea can restart my day, if I allow it to.

I don't always allow it.

I am a bevvy of chaotic thoughts with my post-menopausal ADHD coursing through my brain. SIDE QUEST: LAUNDRY! 80s SONG REFRAIN ON INFINITE REPEAT IN MY BRAIN! (Pop Musik, I am looking at you!) COFFEE! DOG PETTING! Wait, what was I doing?

I sometimes hold on to my inattention, my distractions, my mind chatter like a security blanket, enjoying the torture of retelling a story about how I was the victim of someone else’s unkindness. My shamanic teacher says that storytelling can be a vital part of the healing process at some point, then a complete detriment to the healing process at another. Our wisdom lies in the discernment process.

In the last fifteen years, as I began walking a medicine path, I found myself more sensitive to noises and smells, to foods and chemicals, to storytelling and toxic thoughts. It isn't that I simply needed to banish them, but I needed to notice the way they move through my body and my mind. And then I could discern what is and is not serving me, and what is simply white noise distracting me from right-now.

When I was diagnosed with Celiac disease in 2012, I couldn’t imagine living a life without wheat. I basically lived on baguette, brie, and red wine in my 20s. In my 40s, I realized I could eat none of those things without severe intestinal disruptions. Wheat causes severe arthritic pain and stiffness and stomach pain and flare-ups. Brie keeps me on the toilet for days. And red wine, well, that makes me not care about the above stuff at all, and just want more red wine. Celiac disease strangely coincides with other autoimmune disorders, and the inflammation causes other autoimmine symptoms. So, if I eat wheat, I activate all the diseases. Truly, the cycle of suffering feeds itself.

In Buddhist thought (and, I suppose you can say, Hinduism too), the first noble truth is suffering. The suffering is about being human—just the act of having a body that breaks down, a mind that attaches to distractions and soul sedatives, a spirit that feels separate from everything, and emotions that dictate our actions. So, the idea of death and rebirth is a cycle of suffering. So, the cycle of suffering is not this or that—it is simply being human. Attaining Enlightenment (Moksha in Hinduism or Nirvana* in Buddhism) is about escaping the cycle of rebirth (Samsara), so it is about never having another human life again.** To jump out of the cycle of birth, death and rebirth, because being human is (excuse my bluntness) fucking hard.

Pain is a pain. When you experience it, it is all you can pay attention to. I don't think I deserve that, even though cupcakes are delicious and I once enjoyed them immensely. I don't think I deserve that even though I work hard all day and sweets are a nice reward. I don't deserve to suffer physical pain and bloating. And yet, I couldn't wrap my brain around this not-eating-sugar-or-chocolate thing. It felt like a punishment. As it is, I don't drink, smoke, take anything that alters my consciousness. Even caffeine is limited to half a cup a day. Surely, I deserve chocolate!! Surely, I deserve that thing that makes me feel terrible and bloated, right?!

Sometimes we just need an editor to rewrite the story in our head.

We can sometimes be our own editor, but often we need someone else to read our story with new eyes and perspectives. Someone who understands our typos and strange patterns of speech that do not translate well. I consider myself a leader and a strongly opinionated woman, but I don't always know what is best for me. Case in point, cupcakes and chocolate feel like rewards, and good health feels like a punishment.

I make terrible decisions sometimes. I have friends I call and ask their advice, or talk. I have mentors and a sponsor*** and a therapist and a mother. And I don't often go wandering in my head alone--there be monsters in those woods.

But it takes presence and mindfulness and attention to catch the story in our head leading us off track, and, honestly, mindfulness is much less interesting than scrolling dog videos. And sometimes my defiance rises up—I absolutely do not want to pay attention. I just want some ice cream and a nap. I want to zone out and forget the right now.

The most revolutionary thoughts are centered in love—not simply loving the meek and the vulnerable, but loving the stranger, loving those that we deem the least worthy of our love. Loving the one that irritates you, maybe even loving thy enemy. And most importantly, loving the self. ****

I am still working on it. Like every beauty queen, I just pray for peace on earth. And for every recovering post-menopausal lady, I pray for peace within myself.

+ + + +

This year has been difficult so far. I am so far up my own butt, I cannot see the light some days. It is storytelling, self-loathing, and mindlessness. It is grief and loss and disappointment and anger at myself. Soooo much grief.

After the death of my daughter in 2008, impermanence was no longer some esoteric topic I read about in Buddhist magazines. It was my life now, and it scared the crap out of me. If my daughter died, then it could be anything, really. My other daughter. My sons. My husband. My marriage. My house. Myself. Everything dies. Everything changes. Every situation will morph and grow and change. And when I am content, I really don't want anything to change because I like things exactly as they are. Well, mostly, I want this to change, that to change, but the other stuff has to stay exactly as I want it. And THAT's the thing, right-now is much different than the right-now of five years ago, or the right-now of last week or the right-now before Celiac disease. And sometimes we have to change the thing we don’t want to change to change the thing we want to change. Our suffering comes from imagining right-now as immutable, absolute, and never-changing. The only thing that doesn't change is that everything changes.

When we lose people, jobs and things, we dance with impermanence in an intimate way. We can be paralyzed by the fear of it, or we can be enlightened by it, empowered by it, motivated to be present with the right-now. The truth of impermanence causes us to choose either suffering or mindfulness.

Is a cupcake torture or reward?

Perhaps that sounds too simplistic, but truly, we can make it that easy. When you are suffering over a sick friend, or a broken crystal, or a comment on a political post on social media, what if you shifted the focus to right now? Right now, I am honored to offer healing and prayers for my friend. Right now, I am grateful for the years I worked with the amazing medicine of this crystal. Right now, I am grateful I know so many people with differing views of the world, so that I may expand my understanding of other points of view.

Mindfulness doesn't have to be another meaningless buzzword. It can be a practice borne out of ADHD side quests, sneaky hate spirals, resentment storytelling, out of fear, out of suffering and into your right-now. And the present moment is where peace lies, and where happiness exists, if we just take the time to notice it.

So, this week, I am giving you permission to ask someone for advice about some truth you have held for a long time. I would tackle that sneaking suspicion you have that one truth not serving your Highest Good. Ask a friend if it is true. Pick their brain. Maybe it is how you approach your work, or how you have envisioned your body, or what your childhood was really like. Whatever it is, remember to listen with wide eyes. I often quote this speaker I once heard who said, "It is not what you don't know that will kill, but what you know with absolute certainty that simply is not true that will kill you."

+ + + + +

I actually wanted to write to you today about something else, which is to remind you that I opened a little in-person healing studio, and I see clients for tarot reading and earth medicine/crystal healing, Reiki and shamanic sessions both in-person at the Moon + Stone Healing Studio in Harrisburg and through distance work on Zoom. You can make an appointment with me right here:

If you are in the Harrisburg area, I am running a little special tomorrow for 30 minute session for $60. Give me a text or call to book: 717-770-9109.

*Bodhi refers to the state of enlightenment, while Nirvana signifies the ultimate goal of liberation from suffering and the cycle of rebirth. Bodhi is the path to, and the state of, enlightenment, while Nirvana is the destination, a state of perfect peace and cessation of suffering.

**About past life work, when I hear people talking about their past lives and who they were, I want to ask—what did you learn in that life? Why is that life popping up in your consciousness now? What were you to learn that you either learned or continue to carry that karma? Past life work isn’t about finding out all the cool things you once were (because we were all cool in one life or another.) It is about learning what karma we are carrying and learning how to clear it. Looking at patterns to break them.

***I have written a podcast, but not recorded, in my Recovery for the Masses series about what a sponsor is and is not. Anyone who thinks that would be a good addition to my podcast series, let me know!

**** My latest podcast is all about the Stranger in the Bible and Ancient Mediterranean religions. You can listen to that here:

don't cry

Happy Pisces Season, friends!

In 2000, I lived in a weird apartment in South Philly’s Italian section, right at 12th and Tasker. It was weird because there was no closet, and I never noticed until I moved in. My trapeze artist boyfriend would literally crawl up the wall into my apartment and just appear to show me how unsafe it was, but I actually liked it. It was one big room with all my books, a table, futon, and me. I took lots of baths.

There was an opera café across the street, you know, a café where the waiters sing opera while serving you. I would hear them practice in the afternoon when all my windows were wide open. I was back in college after a hiatus to get married, move to the desert, learn a bunch of stuff about myself, and then come back to Philadelphia. I was kind of beaten by life at that point. I had a failed marriage. I was living off student loans and working in a vegan café as a cook. My parents owned their second house were married with two kids by my age.

I was confused about my life—I had been a film major, and really wanted to go back to my childhood love of journalism, but I had been encouraged to study something I loved and write about it, rather than take journalism classes. So, I became a religion major, but I started taking some of classes outside of my major for pre-requisites in different schools, and I was taking a figure drawing class. I loved that class. I wanted that class to be 100% of my time, and the professor got me after class and said, “Angie, you should major in Art, or at the very least minor in it.” And I said, I have so much going on. I can’t imagine adding another thing. I was already in the Honors College, and working, and taking 16 credits. And she said every class, “Think about it.”

Art is part of my psyche and my life, and so I did think about it all the time. I also was healing from some significant relationship pain and trauma, which I will not go into here. One afternoon, I was just lying on my bed reading a magazine of artwork, like one does. And I saw this painting. It was a white abstract painting and very small in script on the edge of the painting it said, “don’t cry.” And I stared at it for so long. That was basically my mantra from the time I was 4. Don’t cry. Don’t’ cry. Don’t cry. When I cried, even at that age, I would beg my mother not to tell my dad that I cried today. Please do not tell him, because he would make fun of me...wah, did the baby cry? I was still a baby, but still, I always tried to stop myself crying. But that painting, it took me back to a time when I tried so hard to be strong when I need gentleness. It made me cry and cry for that 4 year old.

I cut that painting out and put it up on my fridge. Many years later, I found Yoshitomo Nara’s painting Don't Cry, 2012 and still have that as a wallpaper on my computer. But I think it resonated because this is my wound—don’t cry. That simply phrase—the one my father said in his actions, the one I repeated in my head because I felt so damned emotional all the time, the phrase that I ended up rebelling against after my daughter died. Crying is how I healed. Crying is how I feel. Crying is my greatest gift. Crying is the opening of the heart.

And so I say this because Crying is Pisces's gift. Emotions can be close to the surface. When you notice yourself saying, "Don’t cry, suck it up, be a man, grow some ovaries, or whatever abusive, societal crap you say in your head, rebel! Fight against it. Just cry, damnit. Cry cry cry..be dramatic. Draw a bath and linger in the melodrama of it all….it is okay. That is why we have bathtubs!

Love you.

The Skull: history, iconography, ritual use, and ally

Long associated with death and rebirth, skulls, whether crystal or not, often evoke that deep fear within people, so much so they have become a staple of Halloween and horror movies. However, skulls have been one of the oldest symbols found ritual, religion, artwork, cultural celebrations, and iconography in human history.

In our not-so-distant past, death was part of human life. Humans were not shielded from death. People died at home, sometimes in the streets. Humans, of all ages and genders, saw war, accidents, disease, pandemics, and death. What is left of the human body, the bones, represents the impermanence of the human body. Even before we studied anatomy, dissected humans, or understood medicine, humans held bones as representative of death. They held skulls and bones. Humans understood that these parts of us were all that remains after death.

The Skull, or rather, the human head houses vision, hearing, speaking, and thoughts. It is what we look at when we talk and when we recognize a person—so it holds the seed of identity and spirit for many. Skulls are human-shaped with a mouth, eyes, and nose, but no longer house the Spirit or Soul of the human. The skull becomes an important symbol in depicting the cycle of creation as a whole: birth, death, mortality, and, at times, immortality. We see skulls represented in artwork, mysticism, religion, and spirituality.

The mystical and metaphysical symbolism intertwined with their very real structure brings in a feeling of grounding, the structure of life with the mysticism and mystery of death. Spiritually, we work with the skulls in altar work, ritual, symbolism, and meditation. I do think skulls are some of the most potent symbols one can work with. Shamanically, they are totally my jam.

Use of Skulls in Various Cultures

Skulls have always held a special place in mythologies, legends, and traditions across different ancient cultures. While the meanings varied, skulls carried powerful symbolism and were often considered sacred, sometimes even used as offerings to gods.

Aztecs

For the ancient Aztecs, skulls weren’t just about death—they were seen as something more positive. Yes, they were tied to death and facing the fear of it, but they also symbolized life and the promise of a new beginning. To the Aztecs, skulls represented regeneration and rebirth, emphasizing the natural cycle of life. It was all about humanity and the idea that new life emerges from death.

Celtic Culture

In Celtic traditions, skulls were also considered sacred and were often placed on altars as offerings. For them, the skull was linked to the soul and seen as a symbol of power. The openings for the eyes and mouth were thought to be holy, offering a pathway to wisdom and knowledge. Beyond being a “house for the soul,” skulls in Celtic lore were sometimes symbols of creation and transformation, representing the ever-turning cycle of life.

Ancient India

In Buddhism, skulls were closely connected to the concept of emptiness. The belief was that everything in the Universe, at its core, is neutral, and only loses that neutrality based on how we perceive it. Emptiness wasn’t negative—it was a key part of understanding the true nature of things.

In both Hinduism and Buddhism, skulls were also tied to Munda Mala and the sacred syllable, OM. Deities like Shiva and the Mahavidyas Goddesses often wore garlands of skulls, representing divine power. Skull jewelry symbolized the gods' greatness, showing that they were beyond fear, danger, and even death itself.

Christianity

In Christianity, skulls symbolize mortality. Saints in many religious artworks are often depicted holding skulls, representing wisdom and a higher understanding of life. This act symbolized letting go of earthly concerns and turning toward spirituality, placing trust in the Divine.

At the same time, the skull, being part of the human body, also represents the link between the spiritual and physical worlds, connecting life and death, the seen and the unseen.

Día de Muertos and Skulls in Latin American Culture

As a Latina, I have consistently grown up with ghost stories, skeletons, and the honoring of ancestors. My mother kept and still keeps a fancy-cut crystal glass with water for death, sometimes putting food next to it on a window sill for the dead who may visit our home.

Skulls have a significant role in Latin American culture, especially in the context of el Día de Muertos or the Day of the Dead.

Day of the Dead

Of course, there are pre-Hispanic origins of el Día de Muertos.  Aztecs and other Indigenous peoples in pre-Columbian Mexico celebrated death as a natural part of life. They believed that the dead were not gone, but rather that they had a relationship with the living. The Aztecs celebrated the death of their ancestors with a festival that lasted a month, honoring the goddess Mictēcacihuātl, the Queen of the Underworld. Mictēcacihuātl was known as the “lady of the dead.” She ruled the underworld, and watched over the bones of the dead, which the Aztecs believed were a source of life in the next world. Her grinning skull face is strongly associated with Dia de Muertos.

Spanish influence

When the Spanish arrived in Mexico, they brought Catholicism and forced many Indigenous people to convert. The holiday was moved to coincide with All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day, which are celebrated on November 1 and 2. But are these two celebrations the same?

Both are centered on remembering the dead, but they approach this remembrance in different ways. All Souls Day focuses on praying for “all the faithful departed,” while Día de los Muertos invites the spirits of loved ones back for an annual family reunion.

All Souls Day has been around for centuries. By the 9th century, monasteries were setting aside a day to pray for the dead, and it was a Benedictine abbot who first established November 2 as the official day to remember the departed. After the devastation of World War I, Pope Benedict XV extended the observance to the entire Catholic Church in 1915. On All Souls Day, people of faith remember those who have passed and pray for their peaceful journey into the afterlife with God.

Día de los Muertos, on the other hand, is not only about remembrance—it’s also a celebration of life. Families gather at gravesides, turning them into festive picnic spots where food, drinks, music, flowers, and fireworks are shared with the dead. It’s a joyful gathering that celebrates the memory of loved ones. Altars are set up in homes, adorned with flowers, photos, and offerings like food to welcome the spirits back and honor their presence.

Many offerings are sweet treats, like candy skulls, coffins, and sugar rolls called pan de muerto. The celebration also includes playful elements like toy skeletons and papel picado (colorful tissue paper cutouts of skulls and bones). These joyful touches bring a sense of sweetness and lightheartedness to the otherwise somber concept of death.

Whether through prayers on All Souls Day or the lively customs of Día de los Muertos, the past is brought into the present. Families, along with the broader faith community, gather at altars and gravesides to celebrate life in the midst of death, finding joy in sorrow. In these celebrations, memory becomes a living hope for eternal life.

Modern celebrations

Today, Día de los Muertos is celebrated in many ways, including building altars, dressing up, and sharing food. Every year, families and communities celebrate Día de los Muertos for three days. We think of this as a Mexican holiday, and yes, some of the largest, most elaborate celebrations are in Mexico. Still, El Día de Muertos is celebrated all throughout Latin American. In my mother’s hometown of La Chorrera in Panama, the procession came down in front of her home, as she lived across from the cemetery. According to Google, the states of Oaxaca and Michoacán have special traditions for the holiday. In Nejapa de Madero, Oaxaca, preparations begin a month before the celebration, including choosing stalks for altars, preparing food, and buying mezcal.   In cemeteries and homes, families gather to honor and remember their loved ones who have passed. Celebrations vary by region and cultural influences. For example, in Guatemala, people make kites to reach their ancestors, while in Bolivia, processions involve the actual skulls of ancestors.

Skulls, or calaveras, sit at the center of Day of the Dead festivities. It would not be el Día de Muertos without brightly colored skulls. Everything, brightly colored and light, shows skeletons, skulls, and representations of death, like Monarch Butterfly, the carrier of souls. We see skulls made from sugar paste, wood, paper maché, or carved bone. Sugar skulls are given as gifts to family and friends to honor and celebrate the lives of the deceased. The decorations on the skulls reflect the likes and desires of the deceased. They are placed on altars and on the gravesites, and then left in the rain to melt into the Earth, mirroring the decomposition of the body after death.

The Aztecs and other Meso-American civilizations believed in death as a continuation of life, and that the dead would return to visit during a month-long ritual. They decorated their temples with skulls, kept them as trophies, and used them in rituals to symbolize death and rebirth. After Colonization, the Catholic Church often incorporated the local customs and celebrations into Catholic existing holidays. El Día de Muertos began to be celebrated on the Holy Days of All Saints Day and all Souls Day, incorporating and honoring babies and children who have died (El Dia de los Angelitos),

To welcome them, families build altars, or ofrendas, in their honor. These altars often include yellow marigolds, candles, photos of the deceased, cut tissue-paper designs, as well as food and beverages offerings, though these can vary from culture to culture.

Skulls, or calaveras, are often used as decorations. Though these can be made of papier-mâché, clay, wood, metal, cut-out tissue paper, they are often made of sugar decorated with colored icing, flowers, or metallic colored foils.

Interesting sidenote:

After Mexico gained independence from Spain in 1821, the newfound freedom of the press led to the publication of many broadsides featuring skulls, or calaveras. These illustrations were a form of popular resistance by artists and writers. Lithographer José Guadalupe Posada's illustrations of calaveras found a wide audience in the new country. His most famous calavera was la Catrina, a female dandy portrayed as a fleshless skull with a wide-brimmed hat.

What a Skull Represents in Spiritual Work

Wisdom

The skull is the “home” of the mind. It symbolizes higher knowledge, truth, and ageless wisdom. Skulls or heads hold two or three chakra centers, depending on your perspective: the Crown Chakra, the Third Eye Chakra and the Throat Chakra (I do see it this way because of the ears and mouth.)

Skulls represent and emphasize the power of the rational mind, willpower, and mental agility. It represents the ability to transcend the limitations of the established systems of knowledge, penetrate deeper truths, and find higher meaning.

Bravery & Fearlessness

Skulls are old symbols of courage and strength. Associated with not simply valor and glory in war or battle, but they are associated with death for a cause as well as OVERCOMING death, which we will talk about more in a bit. Defeat the odds, overcome obstacles, limitless personal power, and the ability to deal with danger bravely and boldly is often seen in the symbolism of skull with warriors, fighters, ex-military and military folk.  

Although it has been linked with fear, the skull represents the ability to conquer fears and rise above them.

Death

To pretend skulls symbolism is not about death would be to completely miss the mean of Skull. Everything in life moves in cycles. Endings inevitably occur as a part of that process. While they represent finite things, skulls also symbolize the start of the new cycle and the birth of new life as well as the end of one cycle and the beginning of another.

A skull reminds us that everything in life is transient and impermanent. The only thing that does not change is the knowledge that everything changes. Skulls urge us to see the beauty of every day, or as the Mexican iconography of Skull in El Dia de los Muertos reminds us, to laugh in the face of death. Skulls represent presence and gratitude, inspiring us to live a well-examined life with purpose and meaning.

Shamanic Uses of Skulls

Skulls have been used in shamanic work in many ways, (literally countless) but including some here that are interesting:

• Ritual implements: In Hindu Tantra and Tibetan Buddhist Tantra, a skull cup called a kapala is used as a ritual bowl. In Tibetan Buddhism, kapalas are often decorated with jewels and precious metals.

• Spiritual adornment: A shamanic practitioner in Bali made a necklace from five individually carved skulls made from water buffalo horn.

• Symbolism: Skulls can symbolize death, evil, fear, and mortality, but they can also represent protection, power, and gratitude toward life.

• Prehistoric Europe: Shamans in prehistoric Europe packed skulls with clay and burnt brains.

• Mesolithic shamanism: Mesolithic shamans used red deer skulls with antlers during rituals.

• Lakota culture: In Lakota culture, the buffalo skull is a symbol of self-sacrifice and is present in all sacred rituals.

• Tibetan Buddhism: In Tibetan Buddhism, skulls are reminders of impermanence that help remove attachment to self and one's body.

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 Whew! If you made it this far through my Skullie research, congratulations! You deserve a little sugar skull as a reward. So, as you know, I love the Tarot and often will create Tarot Layouts with symbols I find resonate or for issues I am facing, and so I took the Skull and asked it—how can you help Tarot readers?

And I held my own Crystal Skull asking the questions. Immediately, my eyes went to that midway gaze between focus and unfocus and I could see the blackness of the eye sockets, the nose, the mouth and the ears as places to tap into. Not our eyes, but what is left is the eyes of our eyes, the nose of our nose, the ears of our ears, and the voice of our voice…the spiritual, wise parts of us that exist before consciousness and will exist after the body dies. And so I present The Skull Layout

Episode 72: Positivity + Chronic Conditions with Julie Taylor

Today’s episode is near and dear to my heart, as Julie and I dive into living with Chronic Pain and Chronic conditions and positivity. I am so honored to introduce Julie Taylor. Julie is an Endo and IC Warrior who's passionate about mindset as medicine. Endo is an abbreviation for endometriosis and IC stands for Interstitial Cystitis (a painful bladder syndrome). While healing with these chronic conditions, she learned the power of crystals and energy to heal and how using a positive mindset as a tool to help manage her moods and emotions helped her body build resilience. Julie's formal degrees are in writing and early childhood ed, though the innate cheerleader at home in her heart drives her to write words, she hopes will spark a mood or mindset that might brighten things for others. Julie is the author of a children's book, Blue Hissy Highness and the Shiny Stones (you can buy that here). The book focuses on how a positive mindset can reframe and heal. It also reminds children that we can move toward mutual acceptance and forgiveness, but also the very adult reminder that acceptance isn't a one-and-done ideal—a lesson we need to revisit as we age. Julie also tends a website and an online space called Stone Spelling & Witchery, which is also the name of her private Facebook group Stone Spelling & Witchery to connect and share the metaphysical and mystical, celebrate earth and moon cycles, share spells, post favorite crystals, chat about witchiness, and ask questions. Julie curates a beautiful community that serves as a magical hub for joy and positivity.

Julie and I talk about living with chronic conditions and chronic pain, how we manage our spirit during times of flares. We talk about positivity, staying positive, toxic positivity or not toxic positivity, the benefits and downfalls of emotional bypassing, and what Julie has terms LoMo—or how to manage Low Moods and shift them to help with chronic conditions. Honestly, this is such a refreshing conversation for me—I could talk about pain and living with autoimmune disorders without censor. As someone who has to manage many chronic autoimmune conditions, speaking my truth about living with pain and fatigue feels like a long deep exhale, as I often just go through life sucking it up. Julie is so wise, intelligent, and articulate about her approach to living with physical challenges.

Here is the latest podcast:

You can also follow this link to listen on Spotify. Episode 72: Positivity & Chronic Conditions with Julie Taylor. You can also listen on any of the podcast services you can think of—Apple Podcasts, Pocketcasts, Amazon Music, I Heart Radio, Google Podcasts, Podbean and whatever you listen.

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In other news, this upcoming week, Julie is popping in for a guest post about Crystal Skulls. Monday, I will have a piece on the history of Crystal Skulls, debunking some myths, and talking about skullies in general. I will have a cool Tarot Layout using the Skull as a basis, and I will be sharing a journal entry about my meditation experience with my Fossilized Skull. All SKULLZ—this week!

Episode 71: Recovery for the Masses with Angie Yingst

In 1989, September was named National Recovery Month, and SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) holds events all month, as do state Depts of Drug and Alcohol Services. I am one of more than 21 million Americans in recovery from alcohol or substance use disorder. Substance Use Disorder does not just touch one segment of the population—addiction touches the lives of literally every socioeconomic class. This year, I trained to become a CRS, or a Certified Recovery Specialist, which is like a peer specialist for those seeking recovery. I have over 13 years of recovery from alcohol use disorder and I have been wanting to do a new series about recovery. I hope to do it maybe once a month called Recovery for the Masses.

What does that mean?

It means that I talk about what recovery from alcohol or substance use disorder is all about. We often talk about how everyone in the world should do the kind of work those of us in recovery do. I don’t think many people outside of our community realize the daily work we do just to stay sober or clean or abstinent from our addiction, whether that be alcohol or drugs or sex or gambling or food or pornography or whatever can be used to avoid feelings. I personally think my first addiction, and my hardest addiction, is work. I literally have times in my life where I have thought about work 24/7, obsessed about it, worked until I forgot to pee, eat, sleep, take care of my body. Addiction is addiction is addiction.

Addiction is often defined specifically in relation to how someone uses the substance. People with addiction use substances or engage in behaviors that become compulsive and usually continue despite harmful consequences. Read that again, DESPITE harmful consequences. Why? Because the effect of numbing out is better than raw dogging life. (Hey, I’ve been out here in the world raw dogging life for 13 + years now, and I can tell you it is hard work, people.)

So what is this first Recovery for the Masses episode like? It is a lot of disparate thoughts about recovery and addiction and learning how to feel again. I think I just opened my brain and let it flow. But upcoming episodes will be more succinct and thoughtful and follow a more linear pathway. I talk about how lucky I am to be an alcoholic.

By lucky, I mean this seriously and also provokingly, because alcoholism took me to my brink, to a place I had never been before—praying for death because the suffering was so desolate. And yet, I didn’t know it was alcohol that took me there. I was just suffering. I wanted to die. And the outward appearance of my life looked together, beautiful, and truly was everything I had ever wanted. But I couldn’t feel joy or gratitude. I was in a loop of suffering, and I couldn’t get drunk enough or sober enough. And so one day, I called the A.A. helpline and talked to another alcoholic, asking if they thought I was alcoholic. But she couldn’t answer that. We can only answer that question for ourselves.

Okay, I know it is not cool to quote J.K. Rowling, but I love this quote, "Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." As Anne Lamott further goes on to talk about rock bottom, “There’s freedom in hitting bottom, in seeing that you won’t be able to save or rescue your daughter, her spouse, his parents, or your career, relief in admitting you’ve reached the place of great unknowing. This is where restoration can begin.”

We all hit rock bottoms in life. Maybe it is losing your job or breaking up with a partner or it is just that recognition that your life doesn’t bring you joy. Maybe it is realizing your hypervigilance might be from trauma. Or maybe your parents were alcoholic or drug addicted people or just emotionally immature. In the end, I think we all relate to rock bottom and facing that crossroads of—I have to change and that pathway is dark and I have no idea what it means for the rest of my life, or I can stay the same and if I stay in the same place, I get the same thing. Nothing changes if nothing changes. The choice is mine right now. I know for me and my drinking, I chose the latter until I just felt like that choice was death to a part of me that was curious, awe-struck, joyful, honest, kind…it is painful to share that, but that is where I was.

So desperation brought me to recovery. Not a desire to quit drinking, but a desire to stop my own suffering. If I could do that and have a glass of wine, I totally would. That isn’t in my cards. I come from a long line of drunken storytellers and comedians who turn into absent parents and mean drunks. I am recovering from alcoholism, but I am also an adult child and grandchild of an alcoholic parent and grandparents. I am recovering from them. I hit bottom in my own way. And sought recovery. Recovery brought me spiritual work, a community, gratitude, love, creativity, honesty, integrity…As Anne Lamott says, “...being sober delivered almost everything drinking promised.”

And in the end, you are here because recovery from alcoholism allowed me to pursue healing work because I sought healing work. I couldn’t get sober and not heal the other stuff. And in seeking healing, I found this part of me that had always been there—highly sensitive, intuitive, empathic and ready to be of service to other people.

Hopefully, though, this series transcends alcohol and substance use disorder and recovery. My intention is to transcend it, and bring you into the recovery part of life and open it up to everyone who is suffering from being human.

Love,

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Some links that might be helpful if you or someone you know is suffering from Alcohol or Substance Use Disorder or has a family member who is:

SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) https://www.samhsa.gov/recovery-month

Walk for Recovery – September 5, 2024 https://www.samhsa.gov/recovery-month/events#walk-for-recovery

President Joe Biden’s Proclamation on National Recovery Month 2024

https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2024/08/30/a-proclamation-on-national-recovery-month-2024/

Alcoholics Anonymous https://www.aa.org/

Carl Jung’s letter to Bill W., the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous https://wccm.org/outreach-areas/addiction-recovery/carl-jung-letter-to-bill-w/

SMART Recovery https://smartrecovery.org/

Recovery Dharma https://recoverydharma.org/

Refuge Recovery https://www.refugerecovery.org/

Alanon/Alateen https://al-anon.org/

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families https://adultchildren.org/

Saying Goodbye to a Home

The Moon + Stone was featured on ApartmentGuide’s Saying Goodbye to a Home article. Check out the blog article here!

Moving Out and Moving On: Best Tips on Saying Goodbye to a Home, by Darby Mulligan on Apartment Guide, July 18, 2024

It is always fun to be interviewed about your approach and how to integrate Earth Medicine, shamanic approaches, and ritual into your daily life. This is my passion and my life’s work. Making the everyday sacred.Some friends are also featured in that piece, including one of my favorite crystal vendors Exquisite Crystals’ John VanRees Jr.

Leaving a home is like leaving a trusted friend, and there are some great tips and ideas on how to approach moving out of a home.

When I advise my clients during the incredibly stressful time of moving space, I try to help them find a way to make packing and moving sacred. When stressed, we sometimes forget to take moments to breathe and create space to honor.  Whether that is doing a release ceremony before you officially move out, journaling and setting intentions, setting an alarm every hour to sit and thank your home for keeping you warm, safe, or protected, or creating a cleaning and clearing ritual, you can take a moment to honor and express gratitude around how this home served your Spirit, what you are ready to release, and what you want to call into your new home.

We can pack up and leave a space, but we always take our emotional baggage. A great way to process and release is combination of journaling and ritual. Journal questions:

1. Tell the story of your life during your stay in this home—remember the joys, successes, challenges, and energy this space gave you. 

2. What did you learn while living in this space?

3. What are you ready to release emotionally, mentally, or spiritually?

4. What energy do you want to call into your new space?

Through this process, you can identify some things you are ready to release—maybe it is releasing fear, or stuckness. Then identify what you are calling in—if you are releasing fear of change, then maybe you are calling a sense of adventure and courage to be authentically you. Write out releases on paper. Some people like to use a little rosemary, lavender, tobacco or other herb on the paper, and tuck it into a little package. Take it outside and put it on a burn-proof plate or in a fire pit and burn. You can watch the wind carry the prayers of release to the four corners of the earth.

If you want to incorporate this into a cleansing ritual, you can take a bit of ash,  mix with lavender, salt (Himalyan sea salt is nice, but you can use any salt, even table salt), and spread on the floor before you sweep and clean your space. Open windows if you can. Do this work mindfully, Visualize the energy here, the challenges, the experiences and items you identified for release, being swept away. Always sweep toward an outside door. You can use a dustpan, or sweep outside if it is acceptable. Just take the dirt and detritus outside to bury or put into a trash can away from your stuff.

 Some great stone medicine allies for moving house are:

Citrine: Helps selling your home. Put a small citrine grid in a main living space. Even a piece in a central location can attract that incredible abundance energy, sunshiney feel and warmth you need to attract financial abundance to your life. I am partial to Congo Citrine and the Smoky Citrines from the Congo are a perfect addition to moving home, as they ground and attract abundance.

Carnelian: Bringing the energy since the beginning of time! Carnelian is a great ally for getting some energy to do the dang work of packing, cleaning, cleansing, plus it just brings so much joy and creative energy, what else do you need? Put it in your pocket and buzz around like you drank some espresso. I actually do put it in water when I need that extra oomph to get shizzle down.

Black Tourmaline: Helps with grounding and clearing as you make space for change. If it is on your person, it is like having a forcefield against other people’s stress and tension. I also love gridding my home in BT for extra protection when all kinds of people are walking through.

Lepidolite: Stress can really take its toll, so using lepidolite can help de-stress, rest, recuperate, and come at things with a new peace. During your packing breaks, place it on the heart or third eye, and rest or nap. Wake up with a new perspective. I also love it for tension headaches.

Amethyst: Protective. Visioning. The stone of acceptance, what is there not to love about our old fave?!?

Please check out the entire article at Apartment Guide.

Q&A with Angie on Episode 64 of Centered

In this latest episode of Centered, Angie answers some of the many questions she has received since her last Q&A episode in May on Astrology! Specifically, she is waxing a bit philosophic about life of life’s terms, being present, reacting vs. responding, sacred pause, being comfortable with being uncomfortable, authenticity and parenting and more. Here are the questions:

1. What is the best practice/stone to NOT shoot your mouth off at work? (seriously)

2. How do you know that you are doing the right thing with your life?

3. As a mother, how do you manage to show up as your authentic self in your business when your day is filled with chaos and managing tiny human’s schedules including your own? Do you have a specific crystal or ritual you do before you start working that helps ground you in the moment and clear your mind to focus on the task at hand?

If you want to ask me a question, you can send me a voice clip or email at angie@themoonandstone.com or you can send me a voice mail question: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/angie-yingst

Angie references these things in this podcast:

The Sacred Pause, An Excerpt from the Dharma of Poetry by John Brehm: https://wisdomexperience.org/wisdom-article/the-sacred-pause/

The Sacred Pause, Spiritual Practice by Tara Brach: https://www.spiritualityandpractice.com/practices/practices/view/21412?id=21412

Jack Kornfield on the Sacred Pause: https://jackkornfield.com/the-sacred-pause/

Tara Brach’s Meditation for the Sacred Pause: https://youtu.be/w-yF9EMkE88?si=IqtjUxKGs83vXfgH

Blessed Full Moon in Aries!

Blessed Full Moon in Aries.

When we are dealing with Full Moons, we are looking at the Moon being in the sign opposite of the sun, unlike New Moons where the sun and moon are in the same sign. The tension created by the Sun and Moon in opposition can create breakthroughs in our consciousness and allows us to grow, evolve, and transform.

Aries and Libra sit opposite each other in the sky and on the zodiac wheel, so as the Sun sits in Libra, the full Moon lands in Aries. So, we have the Sun in Libra, and we have the Moon in Aries. What relational energy do these two sign have? Well, they are both cardinal signs, meaning they kick off season, they are both leaders and often great at motivation, drive and kicking off projects. It’s the finishing of projects that sometimes challenges Cardinal signs.

The Sun in Libra allows us to work with its vibrations in our energetic bodies. Aries is home to the first house of the self and ruled by Mars, while Libra is home to the seventh house of relationships and ruled by Venus. Mars and Venus. Self and Other. These are our tensions on this Super Moon in Aries. With the closeness to the South Node, this full moon may feel a bit like an Eclipse.

To work with some of this energy, I created a Tarot Layout that might be useful for those of you who use Tarot as a way in and to connect with Spirit.

Love this kind of content and want to learn more and go deeper with the Lunar Cycles? Check out the Moon + Stone Membership Group. Or if you are really interested in the Cycles, why not check out my class called Cycles, available right here, and it is on sale!

blessed august

Angie talks about the sky medicine, I mean, astrology of the month, pulls a Tarot card archetype for August, and the Earth Medicine allies—Dandelion (that persistent ally wants to hang on for another month); Stone Medicine: Citrine, Dumortierite, and Spirit Quartz as well as work with the medicine of Spider. Remember these earth medicine guides can be tools for this month, and help you do your thang!

Remember I do collective Full Moon + New Moon readings for my membership group as well as a Guided Shamanic Journey with the animal medicine of the month. We also meet each Friday for circle, and you get free bonus of Q&As with me. Check out more information here:

https://themoonandstone.com/monthly-memberships

https://herbiary.com/dandelion-root-tea-caddy-2-5-oz/

burn out + self-care

dearest moon + stoners,

I just finished the latest Complete Tarot course, and it was such an awesome mix of people and energies. I held two Live Q&As a week with that course, plus filmed a class each week, plus a layout class, and then of course, some bonus videos. My favorite bonus is something close to my heart, which are the Greek Myths that tangentially appear in the Major + Minor Arcana of the Tarot. You know, an hour of myth exploring and storytelling is my idea of a good time.

But, y'all, it was a lot. I left a situation at Hibiscus Moon Crystal Academy where we had a team of eight people basically launching classes, which were the same classes twice a year. We had it down to a proverbial science. And it still wore us out, burnt us out, but I also felt like I knew how to do it in my bones. So, when I was putting all my energy into the Moon + Stone and launching classes, I thought, "HOW HARD COULD IT BE?!?"

It is goddess-dang hard, yo.

Neck deep in the middle of a session of the Complete Tarot, I had a total mental breakdown where I just went into a catatonic state and stared at a wall for 90 minutes. I had nothing left in the tank. My kids needed a chauffeur, lawns needed to be mowed, and still I just stared. I was waking at 3:30am just to finish stuff before I had to do more stuff. Still, I was posting classes at the literal 11th hour. I fell asleep staring at the wall. My tank wasn't just empty. I exploded the engine all together, so there was no amount of gas that would make me run, but I still had to run.

I say this only to say, in the midst of that, I had this commitment to share my story (in recovery, we call it experience, strength, and hope) at one of our main celebration days in AA called Founder's Day. It is always an honor to share your story, because it means someone thinks you have something hopeful to share. This was my local Founder's Day picnic. I am in Central Pennsylvania and our Founder's Day picnic has a nice turnout--150 people.

Founder's Day, in case you don't know, is the day Alcoholics Anonymous was founded. It isn't the day Bill Wilson got sober. It is the day that Dr. Bob Smith got sober. Pull up a chair, I'm going to tell you a story.

Bill Wilson was a stock analyst who also happened to be a real alcoholic. He lost most of his money in the crash of 1929, and went on a hellish drinking spree that lasted for a long long time. He was unemployable, destitute, living with his in-laws, drinking himself into oblivion. At that time, alcoholism was seen as a moral failing (hey, in some circles, it is still seen that way). If you were an alcoholic, you ended up in an institution--jail or the sanitarium--or you ended up dead. There wasn't much hope for drunks.

Bill was in and out of the hospitals, the asylums and was basically told he would die or end up with wet brain. One day, his friend Ebby** came to visit. Bill and Ebby drank together many many times, and so Bill was excited to have a fellow drinker visiting. That is when Ebby told him he had quit drinking because he found God. Ebby had joined the Oxford Group, which was an evangelical Christian organization founded by the American Lutheran minister Frank Buchman in 1921. Buchman believed that fear and selfishness were the root of all problems. Further, Buchman believed that the solution to living with fear and selfishness was to "surrender one's life over to God's plan".

Bill really didn't want to hear about God, but he was intrigued that Ebby was sober and completely transformed. So, he tried it, but couldn't stay sober. They had steps to do and ways to take responsibilities for your life. Bill ended up in another institution in a few short months.

This time, though, he had the Oxford Group's ideas about being of service to your fellow man in the back of his mind, so in the midst of his Delirium Tremens, Bill W. yelled out to God and asked to be shown God. According to Bill W., while lying in bed depressed and despairing, he cried out, "I'll do anything! Anything at all! If there be a God, let Him show Himself!" He then had the sensation of a bright light, a feeling of ecstasy, and a new serenity. He never drank again for the remainder of his life.

Bill W. joined the Oxford Group and tried to help other alcoholics, but succeeded only in keeping sober himself. So, I say all of that for background, here is what I really want to share about this story. Bill W. travels to Akron Ohio for work. He has a terrible day. The whole reason he was there was to do business, and his business deal falls through. In AA, we always say he had a failed business trip. So, he walks into the lobby of his hotel. On one side of the lobby is a bar. People are laughing and drinking and having a good time.

He wants a drink. I mean, for the first time since his God experience, he wants a serious drink. But he knows that at the core of his sobriety is helping someone else. He stayed sober all this time by helping other alcoholics in the Oxford Group. Granted, they didn't stay sober, but he did. So, he is at this crossroads. He could go into the bar and have a drink or he could get out of his comfort zone and help another alcoholic.

I think about that crossroads every day. I am not exaggerating. I think about Bill W. standing there with all the laughing joyous people on one side of the lobby drinking alcohol and a bank of phones on the other side of the lobby. It is 1935, remember and he is somewhere where he knows no one. Obviously, no cell phone, no meetings (he hasn’t invented meetings yet), no companion, no other alcoholics.

What would you do?

He goes to the phones and calls a Church. RANDOMLY CALL A CHURCH, and basically says, "I need an alcoholic. Stat."

Actually, he does call a church and talked to Episcopal minister Rev. Walter Tunks and tells him that he is an alcoholic who wants to drink, and he has found when he helps another alcoholic, he doesn't drink, so the good Reverend sends him to a woman named Henrietta Sieberling, who is part of the Oxford Group in Akron. She had been praying for this alcoholic every day, so she sends to the guy. Dr. Robert Smith, a prominent Akron surgeon, whose drinking is affecting his practice, his life, his marriage....After delaying the meeting for a day, Dr. Bob agreed to a fifteen-minute encounter.

When they met, the fifteen minutes became six hours. Bill W. told him about his own experience as an alcoholic, he talked about what he had learned about alcoholism and then spoke of his own spiritual experience. Dr. Bob drank again within the month, but less than a month later, had his last drink. His sobriety date is considered the founding date of AA. From there, together, they found a drunk in a hospital and talked to him, and then another person. They decided on principles, ideals, and what helped. One alcoholic talking to another alcoholic.

Like I said, I think about that moment when Bill W. thought he was at his lowest. The last thing he wanted to do was call a church. He wanted to have a drink, but he thought it through. He had a spiritual awakening, and he wanted to keep his Spirit awake, so he went out of his comfort zone and took the path toward the phone. He called someone and said, "I'm an alcoholic." That is probably the last thing in the world he wanted to say out loud, and when he said it, he not only saved his life, but millions of other people over the last 88 years.

We are always at the crossroads, friends. Always. We stand in the morning at a crossroads. Do we want to go numbingly into the bar, or do we want to move towards our spiritual awakening? I always say this to my sponsees—you are either moving toward a drink or toward God or your Higher Power. That one step changed the history of the world, and your one step might too. Mine might. We just never know. We just never know when we meet the person who inspires us to change the world.

Why am I telling you this? Well, when I spoke at Founder's Day in front of 150 people, I woke up not wanting to do it. I, like most people, get nervous public speaking. I used to stutter and break out in hives when I was in front of other humans. Plus, I reasoned in my head, I made this commitment in February before I knew how busy I would be. I had just had a mental health sitch, where I was catatonic, recognizing my traumatized brain was in a state of dissociation, and I was deeply depressed and distressed. I wasn't calling my people. I was just existing one minute to the next, praying for these feelings to be over soon.

But nonetheless, that Saturday morning, I got up, sang up my prayers, did my morning Reiki, and drank my coffee. I drove to an AA meeting and made coffee, greeted people, did my best to share where I was, then I went home and got dressed and went to this picnic and stood in front of 137 people, plus a shit ton more who didn't count in, and told them about the most vulnerable part of me--the alcoholic part, the broken part, but I didn't stop there. I told them about my crossroads, hoping to help someone stay sober for one day.

Since my mental breakdown…

sidenote upon reflection: do I need to call it that? I don’t know. I am not crying all the time. I am just existing and numb, but it felt like a breakdown that I am hoping to transform into a breakthrough. But yeah, it kind of was a breakdown…

(back to our regularly scheduled update) Since my mental breakdown a few weeks ago, I had to keep working. I had to sit with my insane schedule of up at 330am and working for 16 hours. It didn't fall lightly on me that a few months ago, I saw a post by inspirational coach Annie Adamson that said:

"I would never hire a coach that…Doesn’t prioritize their health mental physical spiritual

Red flags 👋

🚩 Working overtime
🚩 Not moving their body
🚩 Skipping meals
🚩 Not taking time off
🚩 Ungrounded
🚩 Overly caffeinated 😝

If you are looking for a coach, ask them about their priorities. If they are not striving to live their best life, do not hire them…Looking for a good coach can be a daunting task. They could have all the "skills" and the best "intentions" but if they are not healthy it WILL effect you and your results." Ooof, man, that hit me right in the old kisser, or rather in the solar plexus.

1. Working overtime - uh, me.

2. Not moving their body - uh, me

3. Skipping meals - also, me

4. Not taking time off - um, I try.

5. Ungrounded - okay, I am pretty good at this one or am I?

6. Overly caffeinated - not overly, but at least a bit caffeinated.

I kept turning it over in my head. Is it fair to my students and clients that I feel like I am drowning and slowly dying inside and still doing a tarot reading for them?

The truth is that I have been working for the last eight years for a business where my boss took 2 months sabbatical, months and weeks off at a time, had a four day work week, 6 hour days. She modeled this, but I was working my fingers to the bone with no bonuses, health insurance or vacation days, waking up super early just to get everything done before my kids woke up. I have had to work every vacation for the last seven years because I wasn't granted a vacation. Because I had zero $ for vacation time, even though I gave tirelessly for this business, because you know what, I WASN'T EVEN A FULL TIME EMPLOYEE.

That is not my boss's fault, that is mine. She modeled good work-life balance. She modeled time off. I just didn’t take it. I tolerated working myself to death. I allowed myself to burn out. And to have my own business these last 10 years, I have had to work weekends, evenings, all my days off. I had to find babysitters, and drivers and cooks. I have stumbled in at 11pm after a long circle, only to get up again 4 hours later and do it all over again. And sometimes for 2 people who paid me $80 collectively, not mentioning rent and stuff I bought for the circle.

That is just the reality of this life as a healer, reader and human. Or it was my reality. Maybe I should say, that is the reality of someone who is mired in scarcity thinking and self-loathing. This must be what I deserve, because I have never not worked. Not since I was 13. I always had a job. It is where my worth was based, and that isn’t fair to anyone, most of all me.

+ + + + +

I stand at a crossroads again. There is an office on the left side of my consciousness. In it are shelves of books about all my special interests--tarot, crystals, mythology, shamanic healing, religions, mental health. There are classes I should teach, people who need readings, there was journeys to perform, and it is filled with people begging me to help them. It looks so inviting to me. But it is set up like a casino--no clocks, no loved ones, just me giving of myself until I drop.

On the other side of my consciousness is a simple row of telephones. They go to a direct prayer line to Great Spirit. If I walk to the phone booth, I get to ask for help with my workaholism and my boundary-less practice. I get to plug in. I get to move my body. I get to eat more than energy bars and mixed nuts. I get to keep it simple and log off of social for a minute, and ask my kids if they want to meditate with me. I might even play guitar. I will definitely be in therapy. And I will allow the 1000 yard stare to let me know I have a feeling I need to feel.

All of that is to say, I know some of you are searching around for how to schedule a one-on-one session with me or my classes. I have been struggling with some mental health challenges, including burn-out, chronic pain and fatigue, which has pushed me to make the difficult decision not to see clients for the time being. I will be focusing on self-care, mental health, and reconnecting with my spiritual practices.

I am still offering Live Q&As at the end of the month. I appreciate all your support of my personal practice. I will inform you via newsletter if I offer one-on-ones again. (I assume this will look different than it has in the past, like maybe one day a month in person and one online, or something, but this will not be offered again until at the very soonest, Winter 2023, but you never know how I will feel with some distance and healing time.)

Much love

* “Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome (WKS), sometimes referred to as wet brain, is a brain disorder related to the acute and chronic phases of a vitamin B1 (thiamine) deficiency. Thiamine depletion is seen in individuals with poor nutrition and is a common complication of long-term, heavy drinking. It's possible to reverse the symptoms when caught early, but left untreated, WKS can lead to irreversible confusion, difficulty with muscle coordination, and hallucinations.

Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome (WKS) is sometimes colloquially referred to as “wet brain.” This term, however, used to talk about WKS is stigmatizing and stems from the inaccurate belief that individuals willfully contracted WKS due to prolonged alcohol misuse. Using phrases like “wet brain” can create a negative bias, perpetuate the idea that addiction is a moral failing—and not a medical condition—and prevent individuals from seeking the help they need for WKS, which is a severe, life-threatening brain disorder that is actually comprised of two conditions.

The first part of WKS, Wernicke’s encephalopathy, is a severe and temporary condition characterized by confusion, loss of muscular coordination, and abnormal eye movements and vision changes.

The second aspect of WKS, Korsakoff’s psychosis, often follows or accompanies Wernicke’s encephalopathy. Korsakoff’s psychosis is a persistent, chronic condition that can cause significant impairment in learning and memory and interfere with a person’s ability to function normally.”

from the website American Addiction Centers

** Edwin Throckmorton Thacher (29 April 1896 – 21 March 1966) (commonly known as Ebby Thacher or Ebby T.) was an old drinking friend and later the sponsor of Alcoholics Anonymous co-founder Bill Wilson. Thacher was a school friend of Wilson, and battled his whole life with alcoholism, frequently landing in mental hospitals or jail. After one bender, three members of The Oxford Group, Rowland Hazard, F. Shepard Cornell, and Cebra Graves, convinced the court to parole Thacher into their custody. Hazard taught Thacher the Oxford Group principles and the idea that a conversion was needed between patients. Hazard lodged him in the Calvary Rescue Mission, operated by the Calvary Episcopal Church in New York City. He is credited with introducing Wilson to the initial principles that AA would soon develop, such as "one alcoholic talking to another," and the Jungian thesis which was passed along to Rowland Hazard and, in turn, to Thacher that alcoholics could recover by a "genuine conversion".

You can read more about Ebby Thacher here. Or here.

hello from the Abyss

I had the most incredible dream last night: Kali first came, with her tongue and severed head necklace, then Kuan Yin with this pearlescent aura, almost like the chatoyance of a crystal with layers of light and colors of gold and pink (quite the contrast from Kali) and then la Virgen de Guadalupe with her grief and eternal love, she showed me the protectiveness of her aura, all spiky and sharp. They came in one by one, appearing to me, holding me, healing me, nurturing me, caring for me, the Mothers, as though I were convalescing, recovering from something or maybe even dying. They all held me as I lay on the floor crying.

I watched this as an omniscient viewer—above and away from the pain of this scene.

I still don’t quite know if this was the past or the present or the future, and also maybe it doesn’t matter so much. Maybe I just needed to be reminded that I am held by the Mothers, by the goddesses of Time, Compassion, and Love.

Lately, I have been in a deep hole of Not-Enough. Time looks down and says, “You will never get ahead of me, honey.” And then Energy says, “Angie, I sent you some fatigue, so you slow the fuck down already.” And then Chaos brings her deviant whirlwind of memories and triggers, she throws down random shit she found in her basement. There are kid-illnesses, construction projects with their loud beeping and noises. There are also sounds of machine gun fire from the local Army base. "OH, also, that new medication that is supposed to alleviate your joint pain has a side effect, excruciating migraines, you will love that," she laughs. "I also found a bunch of rabbit holes that will distract you for a while from what you are doing, because I know how much you love being sidetracked. Have fun!”

I decorated my abyss with a galaxy lamp too, so I am just making this place home for a while. Sometimes when you stare at the abyss and it stares back, just imagine me in there reading about the Eleusinian Mysteries and how you make bath bombs from scratch.

+ + + + +

I am neck deep in the middle of a session of the Complete Tarot.

I always have the most amazing students, who are insightful, wise, and interesting. And when I am pulling classes together, I love to innovate, change things up, weave more in. But dang is it a shit-ton of work. Have I mentioned (this hour) how much I love the Tarot—the art, the symbolism, the depth of meaning, the research?

I mean, it fires me up. For this session, I have brought in all the symbology and iconography as a step of the teaching. Is it too much information? Maybe. Possibly. But thus quoteth the Buddhist prophets of Brooklyn, the Beastie Boys—I can’t, I won’t, I don’t stop.

I also recorded a bonus video telling the stories of the Greek myths that appear in the Tarot, and I just wanted to keep going and going, but that’s how I ended up in the abyss of Not Enough time, energy, and stability. I reminds me of this Tarot Meme that makes me laugh.

So, that's what is up with me. I'm in a hole and it involves pain, exhaustion, and lots of research. It's not as bad as it sounds. What is up with you?

Much love. Angelica

PS I have some classes come up, so check out my Events page for all the stuff I have planned until the end of the year.

Holding Space

I love the phrase “Holding Space”. I love the way it makes you think about space as something tangible and weighty. I definitely think of space this way—substantive, tangible, having its own energy. I walk into places and feel my energy rise and feel joyful and other places that drag me down and creep me out. The lovely side effects of being a highly sensitive person, neurodivergent, psychic, weird. Whatever you want to call it. I also feel that from people. Authenticity. The energy signature of each person is a bit different. It is how I feel my father with me even though he died five years ago. I feel his energy.

When I studied with my mentor, Pixie Lighthorse, we covered holding space—creating a safe environment for our clients and for ourselves. Of course, all my teachers cover sacred space and how to create an energetic neutral environment, but this was different. We talked about how to HOLD space. How to create a vessel for safety and trust. How to honor our clients. How to respect ourselves. We talked about psychological terms like transference and counter-transference. I can hear you say, “But those are psychological terms, Angie, and you aint a psychologist.”

True dat.

But the psychological model can be very useful for all of us who hold space for other people. Without a governing body, energy workers, Reiki practitioners, tarot readers, yogis, spiritual coaches, all of us really can get lost on our path. We burn out from working on people. Boundaries get crossed without us even knowing their should be a boundary there. Most of us need some guidance or guideposts on the way. A kind of moral compass and guide book for this landscape of energy.

When I got my first certification, I hung a shingle. I saw friends and colleagues, expanding my business online and in-person. I loved it. I held Moon Circles with no qualification other than I had been to Moon Circles. And as I got deeper into the work, the clients came to me with complex issues that needed a multi-pronged approach, and I had no idea what to do.

This is me saying—I made a lot of mistakes in my practice and my circles.

I let myself get triangulated. I became friends with clients and then had them calling with at all hours with Tarot emergencies. I tried to do everything for clients. I had my work and classes stolen from me by students. I let people not show up to appointments or come in late and got more and more resentful without talking to them. Truthfully, I was just a person in over her head in a community that were searching for more than I was trained to give.

Studying with Pixie changed my perspective. I am a professional and holding space is the most important part of my job. For my sanity and for the wellness of other people. I love research. I call myself a research monkey (though, honestly, the more I think about that, the more it sounds like I let people experiment on me). When I began my healing journey, I found called to work on others. When I began my healing trauma, I went down some really important rabbit holes for being trauma-informed in my practice. I felt I had unknowingly allowed my own privilege and bias not inform my practice. I have always taught ethics and boundaries in my circles, but through the years, it deepened and expanded with the core of my beliefs residing in love, kindness, and compassion. From there I rebuilt my approach to not only be loving, kind and compassionate to my clients, but also loving, kind and compassionate to me.

As I have said before, my philosophy can be summed up as “Do no harm, but take no shit.”

Ethics + learning how to hold space were the cornerstones of my successful energy healing practice. They’re the North Star that guides you to successfully have a thriving practice and honor your precious clients and protect your energy.

I am very honored to bring you the full scope of holding space, ethics + trauma-informed crystal therapy. My goal with this class is to EMPOWER you to have a practice that fulfills you, brings out the best in you, and serves your client’s highest needs.

I originally taught this class at Hibiscus Moon Crystal Academy, and am offering it here. Read more about it here:

anti valentine's day

Time, the Destroyer

Dear Time Bandits,

My Shamanic teacher once said during a business coaching call, “if I can give you one piece of advice.” I paused. This nugget will be magick, I thought. “Everything is going to take you two to three times longer than you think it will.”

At the time, I didn’t think that was so insightful. I used to be good at time management, but now, I realize it is the best bit of advice…schedule things 2-3 times longer than you expect. Set expectations low. You know how the Two of Pentacles shows a guy juggling everything and looking slick, but when he is reversed everything falls everywhere and the illusion of having it together is totally gone? Yeah, that is me right now. Reversed. Everything is taking me soooo long. Am I in slo-mo, or am I practicing more self-care and thus cannot get as much done? 

Maybe choice 2, but also a little of both.

In the end, the time thing is a big deal. I unwind my programming around time. Like a kitten with yarn, it is just a big tangled mess, weaving in and around the house, knotting and fraying, and my potted plants are suffering. When I was a kid, my mother was always late. We used to call it Panamanian Standard Time-15 minutes after start time. As an adult, lateness gives  me agita. I start to freak out and stress everyone out. As my youngest says tearing up, "Stop hurrying, mama." Then I am early and sit in the car like a crazy person waiting for someone else to show up so I can look normal.

What do I feel about time now? I can give you a thousand examples of time speeding and a thousand more of it being slow and plodding this last year. I cried because there wasn't enough time, and cried when I felt like time was not moving fast enough. When I had cancer, I kept reminding myself that time was an illusion, and I could jump ahead to the good stuff, but I didn't and I couldn't.

Most days, I wake up with ants in my pants and don’t stop moving. My leg bounces all day. I drive fast. I chew my nails.  I stutter and get caught on words because my tongue cannot keep up with my brain. I run into hallway corners because it is wasting my time to follow the giant human size space I am supposed to be walking within. As a middle aged person, I cannot believe how long I have been alive and how fast it all has gone.

But since I was released to my own devices in the work machine, I especially feel like time has been moving so quickly, which I have been moving through mud, losing time when I write and create, think and meditate. The day is gone and my schedule, while full and creative, was not as well-managed as I wanted it to be. Time stalks us. Kyra said in our latest podcast—I don’t think self-sabotage exists…we just have to look at what needs we are neglecting. And maybe I am finally meeting my needs, and that just takes extra minutes in the day. And I want to practice at a slower pace, savoring the moments of magick throughout my life. When I think about time, I also think about mortality. Time is the Goddess of Destruction, Kali. 

I read a post on Facebook that set me right on my ideas of Kali, and of course, changed everything. I used to think Kali was the goddess of Destruction and Justice and Rage. My sacred anger manifest in visions of her revenge. I called her in, worshipped at her altar, especially with my work around healing sexual trauma. She came at an important time, but I totally misunderstood why she came. I thought it was for my anger, but Shivani Hawkins shared this on Facebook a few years ago. I come back to it again and again.

Kālī is not the goddess of anger…She is Śiva's direct power, wisdom, and love. She is the power of meditation. Yes, she is described as an effulgent, luminous darkness because that is in part what the inner world looks like when you are meditating.

Kālī…destroys EVERYTHING, because TIME destroys everything, including the construct of self and existence itself. 

Is that scary? Of course it is. Why do you think you keep avoiding meditation practice?

In her mythology, she first kills off the bad guys (harmful beliefs). Then she kills off the good guys ("good" beliefs). Finally, she even cuts off her own head (Chinnamasta Kālī) because even SHE does not exist. Nothing is spared from her "wrath" (but is it wrath really?) because nothing but beloved Śiva - the supreme Oneness - is real.

Shivani’s powerful post unlocked something in me when I saw it. I have not been praying to Sacred Rage and Destruction. I have been praying to Time and Meditation. I have been praying for the illusions I hold to be made clear, to break down my patterns, to rescue me from me. I have been saying, Dark Mother, Sacred Time, help me see the illusions that keep me in chains. And she responded with lessons:

Your elders grow old, get sick, and die, but so do pets and babies sometimes. Just sit with that.

Your body is impermanent, child. Breasts are used to feed children, but you can still live without them. You can live without a womb. Cancer will show you that. Just sit with that.

You are not your body. Your body will die too one day. It may be tomorrow. We cannot control when or where, but we will all not have a body. Just sit with that.

You, your idea of you, will be destroyed too, because you too are an illusion. You are a result of a million actions and those actions, forgotten and unimportant, will be lost. Just sit with that.

Sit, daughter, sit still and meditate. And when you are not afraid, sit some more.

I sit. Kali destroys because time destroys. Everything is impermanent, except all that is, which we are also part of, even if there isn’t a we.  I have re-engaged the philosophical part of my brain. It is like my day job stopped and my body was like Sit. Contemplate egolessness. Read. Feel small. Move in sacred ways. Sit again. 

Do I have monkey mind? Yes. 

Do I have ants in my pants? Yes. 

Do I open my eyes at five minutes thinking it has been 30? Yes.

Do I still sit? Yes.

I want to share another paragraph of Shivani’s post:

This is full-blown liberation here. Not just freedom from what is harmful to us as mammals in human bodies, but freedom from every thought, concept, and self-construct that exists to separate us from the field of Beingness itself. From the pain of separation itself. She (Kali) is the vehicle of pure mystical union, where only God remains.

The Myth of Separation, Pixie calls it, the idea that we are all different and special and separate from the Earth, from Love, from the Universe. We are all one. And when we accept that, we can heal. When we surrender to time, allow the destruction to be part of us, returning us again to the whole of consciousness, we experience all that is. 

See what I mean about time? My wandering brain explores long forgotten dark tunnels, digging into muscle memory of thinking about thinking, returning from its hibernation into both old and new landscape. I guess that happens when I just sit with it all.

I didn’t mean to say all this. I honestly, just  meant to come in and just say:

I’m back, bitches!

But you know, like I know, I was never really gone. I was working. Sometimes on me. Sometimes just logging miles on the Mami-mobile I have been taking a minute to breathe and think and that is giving me some amazing ideas for offerings. Until then, if you want to connect with me, here is what I am offering:

- Private one-on-one shamanic earth medicine (crystal healing) sessions both in person at Alta View Wellness Center in Harrisburg, PA

- Private one-on-one spiritual counseling tarot sessions both in person at Alta View Wellness Center in Harrisburg, PA

- Private one-on-one distant shamanic earth medicine (crystal healing) sessions through Zoom or recording

 - Private one-on-one spiritual counseling tarot sessions through Zoom or recording

 -  The Moon + Stone Healing Membership which includes
        - Private Membership in our FB Group
        - Collective Readings at the New Moon + Full Moon
        - a monthly shamanic journey
        - Live Circle time with me, community and more in the Moon + Stone Membership group

Centered Q&A Episodes 37 & 38

Ugh, I forgot to post my November Earth Medicine + Tarot reading. For the month of November, we are working with the Eight of Swords, Salmon medicine, Thyme and the Crystals: Labradorite, Larimar + Sunstone. We deal with Mars Retrograde and a Lunar Eclipse…holy crap!

Episode 38 answers some questions from our listeners Tarot, Stage Cards, Moon phase work + Retrogrades. Here they are:

1. Suzanne asked, “Is there a card/s that is always a little difficult to interpret when it comes up in a reading? Conversely is there one or multiple that are easier? 🔮😻”

2. Tan Hm asked, “Stage cards confuse me! And it would be amazing if you could talk about how to integrate after shadow work.”

3. Danielle asked, “Phases- from the moon phases and the spiritual meanings, to the spiritual phases (waves) most of us experience in life…. Planet retrogrades and the different impacts depending on the sign if occurs in.”

4. Suzanne asked, “I know this info is probably somewhere but can you talk a little bit about what "retrograde" means. You can always send a question to angie@themoonandstone.com for me to cover in an upcoming episode or record one on my anchor page at https://anchor.fm/angie-yingst/message
   

all the things.

It has been a week. I mean, it has been a month. Or so.

Actually, let’s be frank it has been a year. Or two.

No, I guess, it has been a life.

As the Buddhist note, it is all sucky, uh, I mean suffering. It shouldn't be shocking when things are hard. I have a very child-like part of me that is wide-eyed, gullible, and trusting. She jumps into things and as my friend Jess says, "She's a joiner!" Then the other part of me is world-weary and jaded. She sits in a darkened room by candlelight, smoking unfiltered cigarettes, drinking black coffee, listening to the Velvet Underground and talking about existentialism. She guffaws a lot and says, "I bet it is!" She is always urging me to just take a nap, then get a jobby job with the State already. I have have these two competing for attention. Let’s say they are two turtles.***

The naïve part constantly says, “Certainly, that’s it for the ‘hard stuff’ of this life. After this bout of cancer/babyloss/illness/husband surgery/busy season, everything is going to be smooth sailing.” I have two prints in my house that was hung by that Divine Fool aspect of me. One says, “EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY” and the other one says, “Nothing but blue skies from here on out.”

The jaded part is waiting for the next thing. She sits like a gargoyle on the mantle and growls at people who move her shit. She hung a sign that says, “Don’t Fuck with Me. (Protect your Energy.)”

The two turtles are fighting inside me. One is jaded. The other is not. This is not an Ancient Panamanian proverb. It is a metaphor and the turtles will make sense in a bit.

I keep thinking things will slow down and then they don’t. The jaded part asks the enthusiastic child part, “Why are you overscheduling yourself?” And the Divine Fool says, “I can’t help it. All the things are important. I love all the things.”

Are they? Are all the things important?

The jaded part points out that taking care of me, and me first, is priority. "No one else is going to watch your ass, Toots. You better make sure you get a nap."

+ + + + +

My brother-in-law, sister-in-law and niece visited this weekend, and my niece says, “I love everything about your house. It is the most inviting and comfortable house I have ever been to.” And it made my decade. That is literally my only style aesthetic—warm, inviting, comfortable. All my furniture is thrifted. I have plants everywhere. Crystals on the surfaces that make sense. There is art on almost all the walls…art from my kids, art from me, art prints are treated with the same import as painting and retablos and metal and woodwork, which I love. It just fills me with JOY to see everything I love out and accessible.

And without thinking I said, “Yeah, I am a maximalist.”

More is more. I try to distill my thoughts, keep things nice and streamlined. I have tried to play minimalist. Mysterious and distant. Giving you only a little. But it is not me. That childlike enthusiastic part of me that wakes up at 4am with the first thought being, “YAY! It’s morning! Can I get up now?” When someone talks about something I love, I get bright-eyed and just start sharing all the things I know.

Less is more leaves me wanting. I keep adding things. I put it all out there. More than is needed. I painted the tree. Then started adding animals. More animals. With people visiting, I make more food than is needed. I create more art, more words, more research.

All that is to say that I am unraveling this part of me that thinks all the things are important.

I am a neurodivergent, thinky, introvert masking as an extrovert. I am a research monkey and an artist, creative and logical. But I have to start saying “No”. I have to stop contributing to my own suffering. I have to learn how to prioritize. And when I started saying this over the weekend, when my feet ached and all I wanted to do was hide away, the medicine started coming in big time.

I thought in October, we would be journeying with bat (what an October animal to journey with) or owl again. But no, sea turtle came through. Sea Goddamn Turtle.

A turtle of the sea for this landlocked mama. I mean, I love turtle. They are nice. They generally seem to mind their own beeswax. This is a quality I admire in humans and in animal species. I began journeying with turtle to prepare the guided journey for my membership group, researching turtle and finding the medicine was exactly what was needed right now. Firstly, it is coming in the watery West, in Autumn, and it lives primarily in water—we are going to be dealing with deep emotions. The secondly, it is about slowing down, going inward.

When I journeyed with turtle, she took me into a turquoise sea with the bright sun shining through the water, illuminating the parts of me that need attention. She showed me that she walks slow on land because she is a water being. When she walks slowly on land, she has to be very protective. She is easily targeted for attack. "That is why the hare was so much faster," sea turtle said, "I'm not a creature of the land."—the turtle is supposed to be in the water. She showed me she travels through time through millennia. She showed me how ancient they are, and how they can access the knowledge from the 40,000 years of mankind that existed before writing did.

As I was journeying, I fell asleep. I rarely do that. But it all caught up with me—the past week, month, year…I ended up waking up groggy with the icaros still going, and me singing them in my sleep. I tried to focus on my work and record the journey for my membership group. But an ocular migraine slowly developed, which forced me into a dark room, then two more naps. I fell asleep at 9p.

+ + + + +

Turtle’s medicine was a forced pause. "BAM you need to slow down, sister!" I truly have been going a mile a minute, waking up at 4am just to get everything done. Turtle medicine slows us down, to evaluate if ALL THE THINGS are important. Are all those deadlines and busy-ness self-imposed? Can you un-impose them?

The next day, a groggy, slow, post-migraine day, our power went out at 6p, right before I went live for my weekly Live Office Hours, where I answer questions live for our crystal students. Everything shut down. I was done, but prepping the live video feed. I couldn’t access my work or research. We had no internet connection. The house was growing darker. The refrigerator warmer.

I contacted the team—"I have to reschedule.” And it was rescheduled in 5 minutes.

Many years ago, when I worked at a café in Tucson, I opened the shop. I get in there at 530a, and there is an inch of water covering the entire coffeehouse. I called the other worker to come in early. I turned off the water to the ice machine, which was the issue, and took a mop and began mopping up the floor. One mop head at a time. Sop up water. Put it in the mop bucket. Squeeze. Repeat. For 1 hour. Before someone else came in and said, “You do not have to mop this.” Basically, you do not have to do this impossible task alone and try to open the café by 7am. You can ask for help. And then they pulled out a squeegee and pushed the water out into the parking lot in almost no time. (Again, I ask myself why I am causing my own suffering?)

Yesterday, Spirit said, “Not today, honey. You cannot do all the things.” Zap. The power was out. Now what? Sit down. No devices. No work. No things were as important as the moment I was in right now.

I took a breather. Played cards with my kids. Set up the generator, the candles and emergency lanterns.

Turtle gave me this lesson this week.

That is how the medicine is, you know. You begin working with an animal, connecting with its energy, learning its ways, and then you can see those obstacles coming is as gifts and lessons. I very much needed turtle medicine. My Divine Fool part reminds me of the other sign she hung in my house, the one that says, “I am practicing radical self-acceptance, because this is the only me I’ve got.”

Sacred Turtle, the master of longevity and patience, comes forth for you too this month. Slow it the eff down, friend. Call in sick. Let the power outage bring you mindfulness and presence. Feed both of the turtles. The one that speeds through the ocean and the other that rambles, wearily, through the sand, and let them be brothers in arms, fighting against all the things to bring you just the right thing.

agreements

The last few months in my monthly readings, the Four Agreements have come up as a way to deal with some of the difficult astrological aspects arising. Honestly, I have used these for many years as guides for how to approach. They were revolutionary, because they are simple and effective:

1.      Be impeccable with your word.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. It sounds easy enough. Most of us think we speak the truth, but then think about people pleasing…do you say or do things that you think other people want? If we believe we can create our own realities through intention setting, what is every word we speak—that’s right, an intention.

2.      Don't take anything personally.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, that other people and the world do or say to you, is about you. It is always about them. Think about that. Take that in. And then also, even the opinions about yourself are not necessarily true, so you cant even take that personally.

3.      Don't make assumptions.

The human mind has a wonderful ability to fill in blanks. Maybe because our brains is used to doing this with our sensory input, but filling in the blanks with other people, with what we think will happen, with what people should and shouldn’t know is not useful. It sets ourselves up for suffering. So, let’s ask questions.

4.      Always do your best.

This is just the best for right now. Somedays that might be an extraordinarily high quality or level and other days, our best is staying in bed and resting.

I love these because they touch on my four main character defects—people pleasing, self-centeredness, know-it-all-ism, and perfectionism.

Through the years, I have collected my own agreements that I use CONSTANTLY in my work and life. I didn’t write them, but I use them as touchstones through my work and through my own approach to my spiritual development.

1. Stop Watering Dead Plants.

I love this one, because it came at that exact perfect time for me when a friendship I had cultivated through the years fell apart. It was not because of lack of love or lack or care or lack of trying, but because she couldn’t trust me. She constantly asked others if I was mad at her, or talking about her, or upset with her. She never asked me. Then she started sabotaging the friendship and a normal misunderstanding turned into a apocalyptic event. And this popped up. It was a lightbulb moment. I just thought, “Angie, you keep watering this dead plant.” And it literally provoked me to look around my house and clear out all my dead plants, and repot the ones not growing because they are stuck. Once I did it in my home, I did it in all aspects of my life. I do think plants have so much wisdom to teach us, particularly when we try to domesticate them.

2. Do no harm, but take no shit.

Boundaries are the key to knowing your limits, making decisions on your life and being both a good friend, partner, lover, worker and community member. Think about what your boundaries are, first of all. Then keep them. It is not someone else’s responsibility to keep your boundaries. You can share them with someone, but it is your responsibility to enforce your own boundaries and sometimes that means saying no, telling people they crossed a boundary, or walking away from a relationship not serving you. Many of us are so enmeshed in the people pleasing behaviour that boundary setting feelings like harm. The Take No Shit is really self-compassion and self-care. Be your own advocate, but dammit, be kind.

3. Be extraordinary.

Being extraordinary isn’t about being a perfectionist or perfect in any way. It is about being extra. You know, extra. I often think of it as being of service, going above and beyond and following your inner child’s enthusiasm. Being extra-creative—thinking of things outside of the box, trusting your vision and following it through. It also means, to me, to be extra in terms of intuition—extra sensitive, extra trusting of your gifts, extra confident with your gut instinct, extra kind with yourself and others, and extra healing with your words and deeds. Recognizing that we need to be impeccable with our word means that maybe words have power and we are creating our reality with our thoughts. Maybe most importantly, being you, authentically you, is being extra-ordinary. Because you are extra, girl.

4. Nothing is wasted; you will use it all.

We can use every experience we have we will be use to learn, grow or be wise. As Oprah says, “Turn your wounds into your wisdom.” This is it. We will use everything to help other people. This is maybe my most important lesson from recovery—my story is all I have. My failures, losses, suffering, and trauma are what I have to learn from. We can shift our sadness and grief into strong boundaries, lessons and healing. Like how we can turn our garbage into compost and feed our new crops, we can use those things to help us grow in new ways. I use Vulture for this work to help me see the medicine in my wounds. But the message comes all the time for my clients. Nothing is wasted in this situation. You will use it all.

When I wrote these down, I felt a lightness, an exhale…this is who I am. this is what I am about.

There is an ease that arrives when you figure out who you are and what you are not, learning your boundaries and what you will and will not tolerate. I know my ethics class, coming up in September at Hibiscus Moon Crystal Academy will focus so much attention on this. Who are you? What do you or do you not tolerate? And then making your mission statement around this.

And I feel like Hans and Franz saying this (old old SNL reference)—make it now or make it later, but you will make it. We often don’t realize a boundary until someone crosses it. Even if you don’t, Vulture is just hanging out, waiting for something to die, or fail, so you can make some medicine out of it. So learn it now or learn it later. With lots of suffering in-between. I am probably going to be diving a little deeper into these through the next few weeks, so buckle up, buttercup, we got some agreements to craft!

happy agreement creating!

Episode 29 + Episode 30 of Centered

I actually went on a vacation for the first time in years. Since BEFORE the pandemic, in fact. My family and I did two weeks in New England—first in the Berkshires and second in Vermont in a beautiful treehouse. We napped and had ice cream and found swimming holes and hiked in the woods. It was a wonderful time, but it also meant I neglected this blog, my newsletter, my podcast, etc. Oh, and I had all my female bits removed, so I did deal with some, you know, healing time!

Here are my last two episodes of the podcast. First, the monthly earth medicine for August and whew boy, is it a doozy!?!? and then of course, another Q+A episode with my first recorded message, which was so awesome to receive. I hope you enjoy them!