full moon in aquarius

blessed lughnasadh

Blessed LUGHNASADH or Lammas, depending on what you call it!! It is Angelica with your Wheel of the Year Lughnasadh history and reading. Lughnasadh (pronounced LOO-nah-sah) begins the three harvests on the Wheel of the Year. Sometimes called Lammas (literally translated to Loaf-mas), it honors the first harvest of wheat—the most delicate of the harvests. Celebrated on sundown July 31st to August 1st, it can sometimes be changeable depending on the timing of harvest. Our key word here is self-sacrifice…listen to this episode for more.

In this episode, Angelica Yingst talks about Lughnasadh, the first Harvest Festival, the beginning of Autumn and Harvest season, and the community and individual spiritual work and insights for this time. She talks about rituals from her upcoming book + oracle card deck called Cycles as well as discussing the Tarot Layout of the month. She mentions Corn Husk Dolls. You can check out this bougie one from Martha Stewart:

https://www.marthastewart.com/968909/harvest-time-corn-husk-dolls

Or watch it done with Magical Crafting:

https://youtu.be/IOLk4KK1qE4

burn out + self-care

dearest moon + stoners,

I just finished the latest Complete Tarot course, and it was such an awesome mix of people and energies. I held two Live Q&As a week with that course, plus filmed a class each week, plus a layout class, and then of course, some bonus videos. My favorite bonus is something close to my heart, which are the Greek Myths that tangentially appear in the Major + Minor Arcana of the Tarot. You know, an hour of myth exploring and storytelling is my idea of a good time.

But, y'all, it was a lot. I left a situation at Hibiscus Moon Crystal Academy where we had a team of eight people basically launching classes, which were the same classes twice a year. We had it down to a proverbial science. And it still wore us out, burnt us out, but I also felt like I knew how to do it in my bones. So, when I was putting all my energy into the Moon + Stone and launching classes, I thought, "HOW HARD COULD IT BE?!?"

It is goddess-dang hard, yo.

Neck deep in the middle of a session of the Complete Tarot, I had a total mental breakdown where I just went into a catatonic state and stared at a wall for 90 minutes. I had nothing left in the tank. My kids needed a chauffeur, lawns needed to be mowed, and still I just stared. I was waking at 3:30am just to finish stuff before I had to do more stuff. Still, I was posting classes at the literal 11th hour. I fell asleep staring at the wall. My tank wasn't just empty. I exploded the engine all together, so there was no amount of gas that would make me run, but I still had to run.

I say this only to say, in the midst of that, I had this commitment to share my story (in recovery, we call it experience, strength, and hope) at one of our main celebration days in AA called Founder's Day. It is always an honor to share your story, because it means someone thinks you have something hopeful to share. This was my local Founder's Day picnic. I am in Central Pennsylvania and our Founder's Day picnic has a nice turnout--150 people.

Founder's Day, in case you don't know, is the day Alcoholics Anonymous was founded. It isn't the day Bill Wilson got sober. It is the day that Dr. Bob Smith got sober. Pull up a chair, I'm going to tell you a story.

Bill Wilson was a stock analyst who also happened to be a real alcoholic. He lost most of his money in the crash of 1929, and went on a hellish drinking spree that lasted for a long long time. He was unemployable, destitute, living with his in-laws, drinking himself into oblivion. At that time, alcoholism was seen as a moral failing (hey, in some circles, it is still seen that way). If you were an alcoholic, you ended up in an institution--jail or the sanitarium--or you ended up dead. There wasn't much hope for drunks.

Bill was in and out of the hospitals, the asylums and was basically told he would die or end up with wet brain. One day, his friend Ebby** came to visit. Bill and Ebby drank together many many times, and so Bill was excited to have a fellow drinker visiting. That is when Ebby told him he had quit drinking because he found God. Ebby had joined the Oxford Group, which was an evangelical Christian organization founded by the American Lutheran minister Frank Buchman in 1921. Buchman believed that fear and selfishness were the root of all problems. Further, Buchman believed that the solution to living with fear and selfishness was to "surrender one's life over to God's plan".

Bill really didn't want to hear about God, but he was intrigued that Ebby was sober and completely transformed. So, he tried it, but couldn't stay sober. They had steps to do and ways to take responsibilities for your life. Bill ended up in another institution in a few short months.

This time, though, he had the Oxford Group's ideas about being of service to your fellow man in the back of his mind, so in the midst of his Delirium Tremens, Bill W. yelled out to God and asked to be shown God. According to Bill W., while lying in bed depressed and despairing, he cried out, "I'll do anything! Anything at all! If there be a God, let Him show Himself!" He then had the sensation of a bright light, a feeling of ecstasy, and a new serenity. He never drank again for the remainder of his life.

Bill W. joined the Oxford Group and tried to help other alcoholics, but succeeded only in keeping sober himself. So, I say all of that for background, here is what I really want to share about this story. Bill W. travels to Akron Ohio for work. He has a terrible day. The whole reason he was there was to do business, and his business deal falls through. In AA, we always say he had a failed business trip. So, he walks into the lobby of his hotel. On one side of the lobby is a bar. People are laughing and drinking and having a good time.

He wants a drink. I mean, for the first time since his God experience, he wants a serious drink. But he knows that at the core of his sobriety is helping someone else. He stayed sober all this time by helping other alcoholics in the Oxford Group. Granted, they didn't stay sober, but he did. So, he is at this crossroads. He could go into the bar and have a drink or he could get out of his comfort zone and help another alcoholic.

I think about that crossroads every day. I am not exaggerating. I think about Bill W. standing there with all the laughing joyous people on one side of the lobby drinking alcohol and a bank of phones on the other side of the lobby. It is 1935, remember and he is somewhere where he knows no one. Obviously, no cell phone, no meetings (he hasn’t invented meetings yet), no companion, no other alcoholics.

What would you do?

He goes to the phones and calls a Church. RANDOMLY CALL A CHURCH, and basically says, "I need an alcoholic. Stat."

Actually, he does call a church and talked to Episcopal minister Rev. Walter Tunks and tells him that he is an alcoholic who wants to drink, and he has found when he helps another alcoholic, he doesn't drink, so the good Reverend sends him to a woman named Henrietta Sieberling, who is part of the Oxford Group in Akron. She had been praying for this alcoholic every day, so she sends to the guy. Dr. Robert Smith, a prominent Akron surgeon, whose drinking is affecting his practice, his life, his marriage....After delaying the meeting for a day, Dr. Bob agreed to a fifteen-minute encounter.

When they met, the fifteen minutes became six hours. Bill W. told him about his own experience as an alcoholic, he talked about what he had learned about alcoholism and then spoke of his own spiritual experience. Dr. Bob drank again within the month, but less than a month later, had his last drink. His sobriety date is considered the founding date of AA. From there, together, they found a drunk in a hospital and talked to him, and then another person. They decided on principles, ideals, and what helped. One alcoholic talking to another alcoholic.

Like I said, I think about that moment when Bill W. thought he was at his lowest. The last thing he wanted to do was call a church. He wanted to have a drink, but he thought it through. He had a spiritual awakening, and he wanted to keep his Spirit awake, so he went out of his comfort zone and took the path toward the phone. He called someone and said, "I'm an alcoholic." That is probably the last thing in the world he wanted to say out loud, and when he said it, he not only saved his life, but millions of other people over the last 88 years.

We are always at the crossroads, friends. Always. We stand in the morning at a crossroads. Do we want to go numbingly into the bar, or do we want to move towards our spiritual awakening? I always say this to my sponsees—you are either moving toward a drink or toward God or your Higher Power. That one step changed the history of the world, and your one step might too. Mine might. We just never know. We just never know when we meet the person who inspires us to change the world.

Why am I telling you this? Well, when I spoke at Founder's Day in front of 150 people, I woke up not wanting to do it. I, like most people, get nervous public speaking. I used to stutter and break out in hives when I was in front of other humans. Plus, I reasoned in my head, I made this commitment in February before I knew how busy I would be. I had just had a mental health sitch, where I was catatonic, recognizing my traumatized brain was in a state of dissociation, and I was deeply depressed and distressed. I wasn't calling my people. I was just existing one minute to the next, praying for these feelings to be over soon.

But nonetheless, that Saturday morning, I got up, sang up my prayers, did my morning Reiki, and drank my coffee. I drove to an AA meeting and made coffee, greeted people, did my best to share where I was, then I went home and got dressed and went to this picnic and stood in front of 137 people, plus a shit ton more who didn't count in, and told them about the most vulnerable part of me--the alcoholic part, the broken part, but I didn't stop there. I told them about my crossroads, hoping to help someone stay sober for one day.

Since my mental breakdown…

sidenote upon reflection: do I need to call it that? I don’t know. I am not crying all the time. I am just existing and numb, but it felt like a breakdown that I am hoping to transform into a breakthrough. But yeah, it kind of was a breakdown…

(back to our regularly scheduled update) Since my mental breakdown a few weeks ago, I had to keep working. I had to sit with my insane schedule of up at 330am and working for 16 hours. It didn't fall lightly on me that a few months ago, I saw a post by inspirational coach Annie Adamson that said:

"I would never hire a coach that…Doesn’t prioritize their health mental physical spiritual

Red flags 👋

🚩 Working overtime
🚩 Not moving their body
🚩 Skipping meals
🚩 Not taking time off
🚩 Ungrounded
🚩 Overly caffeinated 😝

If you are looking for a coach, ask them about their priorities. If they are not striving to live their best life, do not hire them…Looking for a good coach can be a daunting task. They could have all the "skills" and the best "intentions" but if they are not healthy it WILL effect you and your results." Ooof, man, that hit me right in the old kisser, or rather in the solar plexus.

1. Working overtime - uh, me.

2. Not moving their body - uh, me

3. Skipping meals - also, me

4. Not taking time off - um, I try.

5. Ungrounded - okay, I am pretty good at this one or am I?

6. Overly caffeinated - not overly, but at least a bit caffeinated.

I kept turning it over in my head. Is it fair to my students and clients that I feel like I am drowning and slowly dying inside and still doing a tarot reading for them?

The truth is that I have been working for the last eight years for a business where my boss took 2 months sabbatical, months and weeks off at a time, had a four day work week, 6 hour days. She modeled this, but I was working my fingers to the bone with no bonuses, health insurance or vacation days, waking up super early just to get everything done before my kids woke up. I have had to work every vacation for the last seven years because I wasn't granted a vacation. Because I had zero $ for vacation time, even though I gave tirelessly for this business, because you know what, I WASN'T EVEN A FULL TIME EMPLOYEE.

That is not my boss's fault, that is mine. She modeled good work-life balance. She modeled time off. I just didn’t take it. I tolerated working myself to death. I allowed myself to burn out. And to have my own business these last 10 years, I have had to work weekends, evenings, all my days off. I had to find babysitters, and drivers and cooks. I have stumbled in at 11pm after a long circle, only to get up again 4 hours later and do it all over again. And sometimes for 2 people who paid me $80 collectively, not mentioning rent and stuff I bought for the circle.

That is just the reality of this life as a healer, reader and human. Or it was my reality. Maybe I should say, that is the reality of someone who is mired in scarcity thinking and self-loathing. This must be what I deserve, because I have never not worked. Not since I was 13. I always had a job. It is where my worth was based, and that isn’t fair to anyone, most of all me.

+ + + + +

I stand at a crossroads again. There is an office on the left side of my consciousness. In it are shelves of books about all my special interests--tarot, crystals, mythology, shamanic healing, religions, mental health. There are classes I should teach, people who need readings, there was journeys to perform, and it is filled with people begging me to help them. It looks so inviting to me. But it is set up like a casino--no clocks, no loved ones, just me giving of myself until I drop.

On the other side of my consciousness is a simple row of telephones. They go to a direct prayer line to Great Spirit. If I walk to the phone booth, I get to ask for help with my workaholism and my boundary-less practice. I get to plug in. I get to move my body. I get to eat more than energy bars and mixed nuts. I get to keep it simple and log off of social for a minute, and ask my kids if they want to meditate with me. I might even play guitar. I will definitely be in therapy. And I will allow the 1000 yard stare to let me know I have a feeling I need to feel.

All of that is to say, I know some of you are searching around for how to schedule a one-on-one session with me or my classes. I have been struggling with some mental health challenges, including burn-out, chronic pain and fatigue, which has pushed me to make the difficult decision not to see clients for the time being. I will be focusing on self-care, mental health, and reconnecting with my spiritual practices.

I am still offering Live Q&As at the end of the month. I appreciate all your support of my personal practice. I will inform you via newsletter if I offer one-on-ones again. (I assume this will look different than it has in the past, like maybe one day a month in person and one online, or something, but this will not be offered again until at the very soonest, Winter 2023, but you never know how I will feel with some distance and healing time.)

Much love

* “Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome (WKS), sometimes referred to as wet brain, is a brain disorder related to the acute and chronic phases of a vitamin B1 (thiamine) deficiency. Thiamine depletion is seen in individuals with poor nutrition and is a common complication of long-term, heavy drinking. It's possible to reverse the symptoms when caught early, but left untreated, WKS can lead to irreversible confusion, difficulty with muscle coordination, and hallucinations.

Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome (WKS) is sometimes colloquially referred to as “wet brain.” This term, however, used to talk about WKS is stigmatizing and stems from the inaccurate belief that individuals willfully contracted WKS due to prolonged alcohol misuse. Using phrases like “wet brain” can create a negative bias, perpetuate the idea that addiction is a moral failing—and not a medical condition—and prevent individuals from seeking the help they need for WKS, which is a severe, life-threatening brain disorder that is actually comprised of two conditions.

The first part of WKS, Wernicke’s encephalopathy, is a severe and temporary condition characterized by confusion, loss of muscular coordination, and abnormal eye movements and vision changes.

The second aspect of WKS, Korsakoff’s psychosis, often follows or accompanies Wernicke’s encephalopathy. Korsakoff’s psychosis is a persistent, chronic condition that can cause significant impairment in learning and memory and interfere with a person’s ability to function normally.”

from the website American Addiction Centers

** Edwin Throckmorton Thacher (29 April 1896 – 21 March 1966) (commonly known as Ebby Thacher or Ebby T.) was an old drinking friend and later the sponsor of Alcoholics Anonymous co-founder Bill Wilson. Thacher was a school friend of Wilson, and battled his whole life with alcoholism, frequently landing in mental hospitals or jail. After one bender, three members of The Oxford Group, Rowland Hazard, F. Shepard Cornell, and Cebra Graves, convinced the court to parole Thacher into their custody. Hazard taught Thacher the Oxford Group principles and the idea that a conversion was needed between patients. Hazard lodged him in the Calvary Rescue Mission, operated by the Calvary Episcopal Church in New York City. He is credited with introducing Wilson to the initial principles that AA would soon develop, such as "one alcoholic talking to another," and the Jungian thesis which was passed along to Rowland Hazard and, in turn, to Thacher that alcoholics could recover by a "genuine conversion".

You can read more about Ebby Thacher here. Or here.

personal note about one-on-ones

July 1, 2023 - Personal Note:

Dearest clients,

I know some of you are searching around for how to schedule a one-on-one session with me. I have been struggling with some mental health challenges, including burn-out, chronic pain and fatigue, which has pushed me to make the difficult decision not to see clients for the time being. I will be focusing on self-care, mental health, and reconnecting with my spiritual practices.

I am still offering Live Q&As at the end of the month, and working on a number of creative projects, like writing a longer tarot book, publishing my oracle deck, writing a book about cycles with personal rituals, and creating more in-depth healing mentoring circles. I appreciate all your support of my personal practice. I will inform you via newsletter if I offer one-on-ones again. (I assume this will look different than it has in the past, like maybe one day a month in person and one online, or something, but this will not be offered again until at the very soonest, Winter 2023, but you never know how I will feel with some distance and healing time.)

Thank you for your patience and understanding.

blessed midsummer

Blessed Midsummer, friends, it is Angelica Yingst with a bonus episode celebrating another turn of the Wheel with Summer Solstice celebrations. Some call it Midsummer, Summer Solstice or litha or Leetha, as others pronounce it. I could not get a clear pronunciation of it. I found an Irish speaker who said Litha, but Wiccans will sometimes say Leetha. Ultimately, the word for the holiday comes from the Anglo-Saxon name for the month of June — Ǣrra-Līða. That essentially translates to “the first liða” — and July is effectively named “the second liða.”

hello from the Abyss

I had the most incredible dream last night: Kali first came, with her tongue and severed head necklace, then Kuan Yin with this pearlescent aura, almost like the chatoyance of a crystal with layers of light and colors of gold and pink (quite the contrast from Kali) and then la Virgen de Guadalupe with her grief and eternal love, she showed me the protectiveness of her aura, all spiky and sharp. They came in one by one, appearing to me, holding me, healing me, nurturing me, caring for me, the Mothers, as though I were convalescing, recovering from something or maybe even dying. They all held me as I lay on the floor crying.

I watched this as an omniscient viewer—above and away from the pain of this scene.

I still don’t quite know if this was the past or the present or the future, and also maybe it doesn’t matter so much. Maybe I just needed to be reminded that I am held by the Mothers, by the goddesses of Time, Compassion, and Love.

Lately, I have been in a deep hole of Not-Enough. Time looks down and says, “You will never get ahead of me, honey.” And then Energy says, “Angie, I sent you some fatigue, so you slow the fuck down already.” And then Chaos brings her deviant whirlwind of memories and triggers, she throws down random shit she found in her basement. There are kid-illnesses, construction projects with their loud beeping and noises. There are also sounds of machine gun fire from the local Army base. "OH, also, that new medication that is supposed to alleviate your joint pain has a side effect, excruciating migraines, you will love that," she laughs. "I also found a bunch of rabbit holes that will distract you for a while from what you are doing, because I know how much you love being sidetracked. Have fun!”

I decorated my abyss with a galaxy lamp too, so I am just making this place home for a while. Sometimes when you stare at the abyss and it stares back, just imagine me in there reading about the Eleusinian Mysteries and how you make bath bombs from scratch.

+ + + + +

I am neck deep in the middle of a session of the Complete Tarot.

I always have the most amazing students, who are insightful, wise, and interesting. And when I am pulling classes together, I love to innovate, change things up, weave more in. But dang is it a shit-ton of work. Have I mentioned (this hour) how much I love the Tarot—the art, the symbolism, the depth of meaning, the research?

I mean, it fires me up. For this session, I have brought in all the symbology and iconography as a step of the teaching. Is it too much information? Maybe. Possibly. But thus quoteth the Buddhist prophets of Brooklyn, the Beastie Boys—I can’t, I won’t, I don’t stop.

I also recorded a bonus video telling the stories of the Greek myths that appear in the Tarot, and I just wanted to keep going and going, but that’s how I ended up in the abyss of Not Enough time, energy, and stability. I reminds me of this Tarot Meme that makes me laugh.

So, that's what is up with me. I'm in a hole and it involves pain, exhaustion, and lots of research. It's not as bad as it sounds. What is up with you?

Much love. Angelica

PS I have some classes come up, so check out my Events page for all the stuff I have planned until the end of the year.

Blessed May!

Happy May! Here is the Tarot, Earth and Sky Reading for May with some significant lunations:

The Card of the Month is the Three of Wands and we are working with the Medicine of Arnica, Smoky Quartz, Carnelian and Green Aventurine with the specific beautiful energy of the beloved Condor. You can purchase a medicine bundle of May’s medicine in my shop.

May 1st is also Beltane, or May Day, the energy of fertility, sex, creativity and joy comes through loud and clear and we honor our own fertility and flirty natures. I recorded a podcast with all the history and lore of Beltane as well as a reading.

Centered Episode 49: Tarot Q+A

In this episode, I am talking about Tarot + the spiritual work of the healer. I have questions that I keep finding that I forgot to answer earlier, or just held onto for a bit, so apologies if that was you. I like to create Q&As that are related. I also have some events and things coming up that you might be interested in, so I have that after my questions, if you hang out that long. Enjoy this episode of Centered.

The questions:

• Can you talk about how to create your own tarot layouts? How did you start doing that? And how do you recommend doing it?

•  What is a significator and why don’t you talk about them?

• Beka Caudill asked Is there a certain day you suggest doing your tarot pull for the year? Any specific questions to ask?

• Julie Milletti asked Are there times when you don’t do anything spiritual — tarot, meditation, earth medicine practices, etc.?✨

Holding Space

I love the phrase “Holding Space”. I love the way it makes you think about space as something tangible and weighty. I definitely think of space this way—substantive, tangible, having its own energy. I walk into places and feel my energy rise and feel joyful and other places that drag me down and creep me out. The lovely side effects of being a highly sensitive person, neurodivergent, psychic, weird. Whatever you want to call it. I also feel that from people. Authenticity. The energy signature of each person is a bit different. It is how I feel my father with me even though he died five years ago. I feel his energy.

When I studied with my mentor, Pixie Lighthorse, we covered holding space—creating a safe environment for our clients and for ourselves. Of course, all my teachers cover sacred space and how to create an energetic neutral environment, but this was different. We talked about how to HOLD space. How to create a vessel for safety and trust. How to honor our clients. How to respect ourselves. We talked about psychological terms like transference and counter-transference. I can hear you say, “But those are psychological terms, Angie, and you aint a psychologist.”

True dat.

But the psychological model can be very useful for all of us who hold space for other people. Without a governing body, energy workers, Reiki practitioners, tarot readers, yogis, spiritual coaches, all of us really can get lost on our path. We burn out from working on people. Boundaries get crossed without us even knowing their should be a boundary there. Most of us need some guidance or guideposts on the way. A kind of moral compass and guide book for this landscape of energy.

When I got my first certification, I hung a shingle. I saw friends and colleagues, expanding my business online and in-person. I loved it. I held Moon Circles with no qualification other than I had been to Moon Circles. And as I got deeper into the work, the clients came to me with complex issues that needed a multi-pronged approach, and I had no idea what to do.

This is me saying—I made a lot of mistakes in my practice and my circles.

I let myself get triangulated. I became friends with clients and then had them calling with at all hours with Tarot emergencies. I tried to do everything for clients. I had my work and classes stolen from me by students. I let people not show up to appointments or come in late and got more and more resentful without talking to them. Truthfully, I was just a person in over her head in a community that were searching for more than I was trained to give.

Studying with Pixie changed my perspective. I am a professional and holding space is the most important part of my job. For my sanity and for the wellness of other people. I love research. I call myself a research monkey (though, honestly, the more I think about that, the more it sounds like I let people experiment on me). When I began my healing journey, I found called to work on others. When I began my healing trauma, I went down some really important rabbit holes for being trauma-informed in my practice. I felt I had unknowingly allowed my own privilege and bias not inform my practice. I have always taught ethics and boundaries in my circles, but through the years, it deepened and expanded with the core of my beliefs residing in love, kindness, and compassion. From there I rebuilt my approach to not only be loving, kind and compassionate to my clients, but also loving, kind and compassionate to me.

As I have said before, my philosophy can be summed up as “Do no harm, but take no shit.”

Ethics + learning how to hold space were the cornerstones of my successful energy healing practice. They’re the North Star that guides you to successfully have a thriving practice and honor your precious clients and protect your energy.

I am very honored to bring you the full scope of holding space, ethics + trauma-informed crystal therapy. My goal with this class is to EMPOWER you to have a practice that fulfills you, brings out the best in you, and serves your client’s highest needs.

I originally taught this class at Hibiscus Moon Crystal Academy, and am offering it here. Read more about it here:

another q+a episode on centered with angie

Just a quick little episode of Centered answer these questions:

from Shannon:

I would love to know more about your Earth medicine journey and how you personally recognize and find meaning in the gifts Gaia offers you.

and then another from Melanie:

Hi Angie. What is the significance of the "Rising" sign and 12th House? I have my birth chart. They said I'm an Aries with Leo Rising and Cancer in the 12th House. I don't know what to do with that info. ❤️

New Moon in Pisces

anti valentine's day

shadow work

I am answering questions again. I like to answer questions, so keep them coming.This time I invited Kyra Paules to join me. We exchanged some Marco Polos about it, and then we jumped on Zoom.

Do we do shadow work or does the shadow work us? That is not the question we answer, but we say it at some point. So, Kyra and I thought we would answer some questions about shadow work, but really we only answer one question. Why are we qualified to talk about shadow anything? We like it. Also, Kyra is training to be a Jungian analyst, she is an official shadow retrieval facilitator and a therapist. I am a shamanic practitioner and we basically are shadowy creatures that like to explore the liminal spaces. And I am in recovery and we do shadow work, even though we don't call it that. We call it the fourth and fifth step. 

Here are the questions we actually were asked:

Tan - My question is:  how do you integrate shadow work? Shadow work gives us breakthroughs and revelations, most of the time I end up not knowing how to integrate it. How do I implement the changes? Sometimes I might even have a glimpse of what I need to do but actually doing it becomes hard. Maybe ego sabotages your missions with laziness or talks you out of it. How can we integrate our shadow in a way we don’t fell into it again?

Beka - yes, break it down on how one can do shadow work, ID your shadows etc.

If you want to find Kyra, go to http://awentarot.com and you can always find me at http://themoonandstone.com

Time, the Destroyer

Dear Time Bandits,

My Shamanic teacher once said during a business coaching call, “if I can give you one piece of advice.” I paused. This nugget will be magick, I thought. “Everything is going to take you two to three times longer than you think it will.”

At the time, I didn’t think that was so insightful. I used to be good at time management, but now, I realize it is the best bit of advice…schedule things 2-3 times longer than you expect. Set expectations low. You know how the Two of Pentacles shows a guy juggling everything and looking slick, but when he is reversed everything falls everywhere and the illusion of having it together is totally gone? Yeah, that is me right now. Reversed. Everything is taking me soooo long. Am I in slo-mo, or am I practicing more self-care and thus cannot get as much done? 

Maybe choice 2, but also a little of both.

In the end, the time thing is a big deal. I unwind my programming around time. Like a kitten with yarn, it is just a big tangled mess, weaving in and around the house, knotting and fraying, and my potted plants are suffering. When I was a kid, my mother was always late. We used to call it Panamanian Standard Time-15 minutes after start time. As an adult, lateness gives  me agita. I start to freak out and stress everyone out. As my youngest says tearing up, "Stop hurrying, mama." Then I am early and sit in the car like a crazy person waiting for someone else to show up so I can look normal.

What do I feel about time now? I can give you a thousand examples of time speeding and a thousand more of it being slow and plodding this last year. I cried because there wasn't enough time, and cried when I felt like time was not moving fast enough. When I had cancer, I kept reminding myself that time was an illusion, and I could jump ahead to the good stuff, but I didn't and I couldn't.

Most days, I wake up with ants in my pants and don’t stop moving. My leg bounces all day. I drive fast. I chew my nails.  I stutter and get caught on words because my tongue cannot keep up with my brain. I run into hallway corners because it is wasting my time to follow the giant human size space I am supposed to be walking within. As a middle aged person, I cannot believe how long I have been alive and how fast it all has gone.

But since I was released to my own devices in the work machine, I especially feel like time has been moving so quickly, which I have been moving through mud, losing time when I write and create, think and meditate. The day is gone and my schedule, while full and creative, was not as well-managed as I wanted it to be. Time stalks us. Kyra said in our latest podcast—I don’t think self-sabotage exists…we just have to look at what needs we are neglecting. And maybe I am finally meeting my needs, and that just takes extra minutes in the day. And I want to practice at a slower pace, savoring the moments of magick throughout my life. When I think about time, I also think about mortality. Time is the Goddess of Destruction, Kali. 

I read a post on Facebook that set me right on my ideas of Kali, and of course, changed everything. I used to think Kali was the goddess of Destruction and Justice and Rage. My sacred anger manifest in visions of her revenge. I called her in, worshipped at her altar, especially with my work around healing sexual trauma. She came at an important time, but I totally misunderstood why she came. I thought it was for my anger, but Shivani Hawkins shared this on Facebook a few years ago. I come back to it again and again.

Kālī is not the goddess of anger…She is Śiva's direct power, wisdom, and love. She is the power of meditation. Yes, she is described as an effulgent, luminous darkness because that is in part what the inner world looks like when you are meditating.

Kālī…destroys EVERYTHING, because TIME destroys everything, including the construct of self and existence itself. 

Is that scary? Of course it is. Why do you think you keep avoiding meditation practice?

In her mythology, she first kills off the bad guys (harmful beliefs). Then she kills off the good guys ("good" beliefs). Finally, she even cuts off her own head (Chinnamasta Kālī) because even SHE does not exist. Nothing is spared from her "wrath" (but is it wrath really?) because nothing but beloved Śiva - the supreme Oneness - is real.

Shivani’s powerful post unlocked something in me when I saw it. I have not been praying to Sacred Rage and Destruction. I have been praying to Time and Meditation. I have been praying for the illusions I hold to be made clear, to break down my patterns, to rescue me from me. I have been saying, Dark Mother, Sacred Time, help me see the illusions that keep me in chains. And she responded with lessons:

Your elders grow old, get sick, and die, but so do pets and babies sometimes. Just sit with that.

Your body is impermanent, child. Breasts are used to feed children, but you can still live without them. You can live without a womb. Cancer will show you that. Just sit with that.

You are not your body. Your body will die too one day. It may be tomorrow. We cannot control when or where, but we will all not have a body. Just sit with that.

You, your idea of you, will be destroyed too, because you too are an illusion. You are a result of a million actions and those actions, forgotten and unimportant, will be lost. Just sit with that.

Sit, daughter, sit still and meditate. And when you are not afraid, sit some more.

I sit. Kali destroys because time destroys. Everything is impermanent, except all that is, which we are also part of, even if there isn’t a we.  I have re-engaged the philosophical part of my brain. It is like my day job stopped and my body was like Sit. Contemplate egolessness. Read. Feel small. Move in sacred ways. Sit again. 

Do I have monkey mind? Yes. 

Do I have ants in my pants? Yes. 

Do I open my eyes at five minutes thinking it has been 30? Yes.

Do I still sit? Yes.

I want to share another paragraph of Shivani’s post:

This is full-blown liberation here. Not just freedom from what is harmful to us as mammals in human bodies, but freedom from every thought, concept, and self-construct that exists to separate us from the field of Beingness itself. From the pain of separation itself. She (Kali) is the vehicle of pure mystical union, where only God remains.

The Myth of Separation, Pixie calls it, the idea that we are all different and special and separate from the Earth, from Love, from the Universe. We are all one. And when we accept that, we can heal. When we surrender to time, allow the destruction to be part of us, returning us again to the whole of consciousness, we experience all that is. 

See what I mean about time? My wandering brain explores long forgotten dark tunnels, digging into muscle memory of thinking about thinking, returning from its hibernation into both old and new landscape. I guess that happens when I just sit with it all.

I didn’t mean to say all this. I honestly, just  meant to come in and just say:

I’m back, bitches!

But you know, like I know, I was never really gone. I was working. Sometimes on me. Sometimes just logging miles on the Mami-mobile I have been taking a minute to breathe and think and that is giving me some amazing ideas for offerings. Until then, if you want to connect with me, here is what I am offering:

- Private one-on-one shamanic earth medicine (crystal healing) sessions both in person at Alta View Wellness Center in Harrisburg, PA

- Private one-on-one spiritual counseling tarot sessions both in person at Alta View Wellness Center in Harrisburg, PA

- Private one-on-one distant shamanic earth medicine (crystal healing) sessions through Zoom or recording

 - Private one-on-one spiritual counseling tarot sessions through Zoom or recording

 -  The Moon + Stone Healing Membership which includes
        - Private Membership in our FB Group
        - Collective Readings at the New Moon + Full Moon
        - a monthly shamanic journey
        - Live Circle time with me, community and more in the Moon + Stone Membership group

Imbolc Reading

Enjoy this Collective Imbolc Reading for February 1. And you can try it yourself with this layout from my book the Complete Tarot Layouts:

Episode 40: Tarot + Earth Medicine Reading for December 2022

Blessed December! It’s going to be a dumpster fire, or it isn’t. We are working with the Hanged Man, so it is hard to know, but one thing is that if you want clarity, you can have it. Just don’t ask a question you don’t want to hear the answer to. Honestly. Seriously. We are hanging in a place between Justice (skewed Justice or real Justice, who knows for real?) and Death. And when we know the truth and we can’t unhear it.

We are working with Pyrite, Hematite and Petrified Wood. Quaking Aspen and Vulture. I think I am going to work with Condor, a type of Vulture, as South American Quechuan guide and ally.

Have an amazing December!! I’ll be back with Midwinter/Winter Solstice Reading December 21.

eyeballing the eclipse

This is eclipse is making me think about seeing things.

Like the one time I was driving to my mother’s house, and I turned my head into a field that had a stream running through it and there was a monkey. Like a real ass monkey. I passed it, processed the scene, then stopped the car completely. A monkey? In rural Pennsylvania? My left brain retorted, “Uh, no, sir. There is an error in that calculation.” I reversed up the country road.

When I came to the spot where the monkey lived, I squinted and looked, but it was just a tree trunk with branches that looked like a monkey. “It changed back to the tree,” I thought.

+ + +

I woke at 3:02 am ET, exactly, the time the eclipse was starting. The moon whispered in my ear…it is time, my love. It is time, seer, to witness the shadow fall over me and change the shape of things.
The entire yard illuminated by the moon, which I could not find. I walked to the west and there it was, like a spotlight over everything. It was totally full and bright and I said, “Here we go.” (As I write this now, the red is starting to creep over the moon from the top down, like a shade is being pulled over it.)

+ + +

This past weekend, I was honored to hold space for women in an earth medicine retreat where we worked with journey and painting to let the right brain drive for a while in a flowy, dreamy third eye dance. We journeyed, drank dream tea, and painted in a meditative state that implored us to get out of our own way. Our right brain just wants to drive for a while, but what happens, inevitably, is we argue with ourselves.

“This looks dumb. Paint something real, m’kay?”

“Shut it, Lefty. I am just flowing over here.”

“That’s not a real painting. Come on. What the fuck is this? Paint something real. We need evidence of art.”

“Maybe you are right. I don’t think I can do this. Maybe I should go nap. No, wait, you are left. I am just doing what is suggested and seeing how it unfolds. It doesn’t have to be anything right now. Nothing is supposed to be perfect.”

“It can be.”

And on and on…my Right Brain, let’s call it Orpheus, often is much more polite than is required. It says, “Thank you for sharing, Logos, but I am not looking for any advice right now.” Logos totally hates that shit. It is a know-it-all with half the information and so Logos keeps sending evidentiary memories to remind you of how flowing and being too creatively free made us objects of ridicule, or where teachers marked us off points for not being in the lines, or when someone called you flakey that one time.

We painted for four hours, the internal dialogue lessening over the sessions and the painting unfolding slowly. My first layer has a lot of optimism and messages of flying high, going for it. I pulled a Rebel Deck oracle card that said, "Get after that shit." And then the second layer turned darker and more defiant. Why are you always getting after shit? Just calm down. Pause.

I handed out secret messages every so often, like reminders from Spirit, a tablespoon of the extra sauce available for the flow. My second secret message said, "Take that Leap." And I just took the black and wrote NO next to it. I don't want to take the leap. (I may look defiant, but I am pliable and follow the rules and get nervous when I hold boundaries or say no.) I let the second layer be angry and defiant and punk rock. Hellz to the yeah!

My third layer came like a breeze, softening, honoring, calling in the medicine of my inner child and my inner mother, the one that sits with change and destruction and soothes. She said, "It's just an illusion of the sun and the earth. The Sun is shining behind you, my love. It is casting a shadow and makes the moon look like it disappears. Do not be afraid, the moon is always there whether we see it or not. You are always there whether you see or not."

+ + +

The night sky is darkening even more now, and the moon is starting to be enveloped by its shadow. I wonder if my writing will be enveloped by shadow too. The Sun is behind us now, as the Moon does her thing. It reminds me of Plato's Allegory of the Cave. The shadow emerges and I wonder if I what I will see in this time and how I will see it. I need another cup of coffee.

+ + +

Then after painting, we ate, then we got ready for a dream/third eye focused collective grid crystal healing for dreamwork. Hot flashes + painting + unseasonably warm weather = Angie needs a shower. My mentor talks about adorning before ceremony, cleansing the energy field, doing the work. I pour a baño over my head, salt and herbs and water flowing over me. It feels so good to be in water. I craved it when I can't take a bath or cleanse this way. Then, in the shower, soap got in my eye. Mint soap. (Do adults regularly get soap in their eyes? Asking for a friend.)

It burned, and I rubbed and rubbed and rinsed it best I could with contacts in. And then it felt like my contact rolled up into my eyelid. I finished the shower and went to look in the mirror to retrieve the contact.

I just couldn’t find it.

I start sweating again, knowing that everyone is waiting on me, but my contact was stuck in my eye. What if it traveled into my brain? What if it caused a massive infection? What if I can’t get it? My left brain was loving this shit. Logos said, “YAY, home surgery!! I watch television where people do surgery all the time. We can do this.”

My right brain was like, “Uh, no. You aren’t getting it out that way. Let’s just go with the flow, man. Plus, you are going into a deep third eye meditation. Maybe there is a reason you cannot see right now. Or you can only see out of one eye. Look deeper, Ang. Look at the thing behind the thing. Just reconcile yourself to the fact that you aren’t seeing from this side tonight. The suffering comes from trying to do something you cannot do, like find a lost contact in your eye.”

I told everyone, and the ladies poked and prodded, and suggested things. I wasn’t sure if I was seeing a contact or the sclera, so in the end, I just went on, unable to see out of my right eye, looking like Popeye.

I have terrible eyesight. I mean, I think it is considered 20/500. Meaning what I see at 20 feet is what someone who had good eyesight sees at 500 feet. But I didn’t need to see. I was in the flow of the music of Jonathan Goldman, and the amazing energy of the archangels and ascended masters, the crystals and sacred geometry. I just did what I was trained to do as the wind howled outside and the almost full moon shone through the windows. I stepped into the light and just bathed in the moonlight.

Thank you, I whispered to Grandmother Moon. Thank you for letting me do this work.

+ + +

There is no light outside now. It is like a deep darkness, one that scares me a bit. The stars are suddenly illuminated—always there, but I couldn’t see them with the brightness of the Full Moon.

+ + +

Spirit wanted me to see without seeing, to see perfectly out of my left side and be fuzzy in the right. Fuzzy and tuned in. My eye ached from being manipulated and touched and ran with tears. I could still feel the contact in there, way back behind my eye, but I just trusted and moved into the flow.

Sometimes we have to not see before we can truly see. Sometimes we need to trust that what we need is right there, even if we don’t have evidence for that.

I fell asleep imagining the contact swimming toward my front cortex with little cartoon arms and exploratory tools, like a mini-pickaxe, strapped to its back. In the morning, I looked in my eye again. It felt injured—achy and sore. Still two days later, it feels achy and sore. I still didn't see any contact, but the eye was goopy. I made coffee and pulled tarot cards from the Alleyman Tarot.

Every card and description involved seeing. When the 10 of Eyes came, I realized that even this was the medicine of the weekend. Seeing was preventing me from the feeling. Seeing was preventing me from honoring. It was preventing me from trusting that the monkey was the medicine I needed at that moment. The medicine of laughter, communication, and community. Later in the morning, I found my contact in the sink, stuck half in and half out of the drain.

It was never in my eye. It had fallen out at some point, but I was still looking for something not there. Because wounds feel like that sometimes, like something is there that simply isn’t. Like there is a huge folded up piece of plastic in your eye lid, when it was your own damned finger.

Sometimes you are your own damned irritant.

This lesson is eternal. No matter how much we look outward, we always have a finger poking our own eye.

In recovery, we use sponsors. Sponsors are people who have gone through the twelve steps and guide us through them too. The Twelve Steps basically help you have a spiritual experience by doing some self-reflection, looking at our wounds and the wounding we caused others, asking Spirit to guide you to release the underlying character defects so you can be of maximum service to the world. Sponsors guide you in your spiritual journey, and so we call them when we are poking our own eyes, and seeing things that are not there, and avoiding the things right in front of us. Sponsors are not like therapists though. They often laugh when you are stuck and say, “Yep, that’s how it goes. I remember when that happened to me too. Stop poking your own eye when it hurts. Close your eyes and use your ears instead. Listen.” They can only share their experience, really. They aren’t there to solve the problem, just to think about it in another way.

I am not saying you should become an alcoholic but having a sponsor might be a good thing. You know the person who says, “Did you look in the sink first before you went around doing home surgery without sterilized equipment?” Then they usually say, “Why don’t you pray about it? Why are you trying to fix everything on your own?”

The Left-Brain loves poking at things and doing home surgery and making up conspiracy theories and letting your wounding take on the role of “logic” in your brain. It is the Right Brain that says, “Let’s just make some meaning out of this and go with the flow. Maybe this will lead us somewhere cool.”

+ + +

The Moon is completely covered now, there is not even a sliver, and I woke my daughter to see. She saw the blood red of the dark side as it was slowly covered. Then she plodded back to bed. Now it is just a shadow of itself. We honor the crone in the darkness, how the grandmother sits and waits and says, "It all goes too fast." Secrets are said to be revealed this total lunar eclipse in Taurus with the Sun, Venus and Mercury in Scorpio and with Uranus and square Saturn. We are as sick as our secrets; crone sponsors have been saying for decades. Maybe the medicine is the sharing of secrets.

The dogs were not interested in going outside, and I thought about how wise they are not to stand under the moon eclipsing and darkening. They stay inside and cuddle up, preparing for a long day of napping.

Samhain Reading

Angie talks Samhain, letting go, emotional support corpses and pulls some tarot cards for the dark season of Samhain to Yule.

This is a picture of my Layouts book with my margin notes. I really encourage you all to change up things in your books, because connecting with the layout is the MOST important part. You have control!

I talk about this piece by Marybeth Bonfiglio called 41 Ways to Make Love to Yourself: https://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/12/41-ways-to-make-love-to-yourself-marybeth-bonfiglio/

ancestors

dear future ancestors,

As October draws to a close and we welcome in Samhain, All Souls and All Saints Day, I acknowledge the thinness of the veil. I hear the whispering in my ear of the ancestors. 

Mi amor, be strong. 
We are always here. 
Honor yourself when you honor us.

I create an altar for Día de los Muertos* in mid-October, when I begin to feel the ancestors pushing against me. I call them in. Ask for their help. It is not simply because I come from a culture that celebrates this holiday (though I do), but because I am a bereaved mother. And this American happy-happy culture does a lousy job of honoring the dead and grief.  

Day of the Dead is one of those holidays that has grown more and more mainstream with non-Catholic, non-Latino people creating altars, painting their faces, hanging up decorated sugar skellies, and dancing into the night.  That isn't happening because others want to become or appropriate another culture, but because we are all hungry to honor our dead. We want to celebrate our ancestors. We want to walk with death, rather than hide our grief and whisper to our dead in the still of the night. It is only in recent history that the dead were hid away from us, or that we were protected from the dying, the dead, and grief. All cultures from Europe to Asia to Africa and the Americans, cultures honored the dead.

My niece said to me a few years ago, "We come from a long line of witches, right?" And I laughed. It depends on how you define witch. When I call in the ancestors before circle, I call in all the healers and mystics in my lineage. But I also come from a long line of storytelling artists and mystics, bawdy women with good heads on their shoulders, from cooks and musicians, teachers and writers. But the drunks are there too, the ones that acted badly at that party once. They are the same. Because the ancestors were human. 

This is the medicina they bring forth—their humanness. And not that anyone wants my opinion on this, but this is the beauty and awe of the stories of Buddha and Jesus—their humanness existed, their flaws, their character defects and defaults, but still they sought to heal themselves then others. They found a path of spirituality that helped them and passed it on. This is also the lessons of our ancestors—that they were human and had a story, which is now part of your DNA. (Epigenetics is a really cool rabbit hole to go down)

Día de los Muertos gives me a time to honor all the ancestors as well as my daughter. I love to collect the stories of my family. The ones that make you go, “What the…oh my goddess.” I love to know their names, see their faces, try to imagine their lives and then think of the lesson they learned and want to pass on, or listen for them to tell me.

A few years ago, Vanessa Codorniu  held an ancestors journey at Alta View Wellness Center. I journeyed to Central America, where my family is from, and saw them all there. My mother’s Abuelita Isabel with the curly hair and my ancestors with Mayan noses and headdresses and painted skin.  Sitting in front of all of them, Vanessa asked us to talk to them. And so I did. I remember asking about my health and my weight and why I haven’t been able to lose weight. And my ancestor stepped forward and said:

You are the wishes of all your ancestors. 
Your body is revered by us because you are the child that is not hungry. 

When we do ancestral healing, this is what we do. We dialogue with our ancestors. We reframe. We understand. We humanize. We integrate. We break patterns. We forgive. We allow their wounds to be our wisdom.

So Day of the Dead, I create a space for my ancestors and my predeceased ancestral daughter, hang a painting of her and me that I painted in the early days after her death and another of my ancestors, the ones that whisper to me in my sessions. I put calaveras and bright colors all around the altar as well as food, water, flowers and candles. In my mother's native Panama, my family walks to the cemetery to have a meal with the dead. They decorate the graves and commune as a family. Those weeks with my Día de los Muertos altar is not simply a time to grieve, but a time to celebrate life. When we honor our ancestors, we acknowledge the wisdom they have given to us in life and now in death. 

But my ancestors were awful people. What do I do?

You can say, “Thank you for letting me be the breaker of awfulness.” (Instead of awfulness, you can replace that with breaker of our family trauma, pain, abuse, addiction, etc.) When we reframe our ancestors, put them in their historical, trauma, and family context, we can find wisdom, even if it is learning from their sins. Sometimes the deep grief of lives not lived, or their actions can move through us. We can cry for our family lineage. We can cry for their victims, for ourselves, if we were the victim or them as a victim and victimizer.** This ancestral work is about healing and releasing. We are fully in Scorpio season, and it wants to move through us. We get to be the conduit for compassion, love, grief, release and rebirth. And yes, we get to acknowledge the awfulness of our ancestors too. You can grieve that there was no wisdom to be passed to you.

We can  transform grief to gratitude through this process. Not for having lost, but for them having lived at all.


*You can read more about El Día de los Muertos at this History Channel link. Just a quick correction, though, we celebrate it in Panama and throughout Central America, so it is not only a Mexican holiday.
** In the Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk , he talks about how PTSD sufferers from the Vietnam War often recounted the trauma they inflicted on others as the trauma they could not heal, because there is no outlet for talking about the awful things they did during war. I could go on a rant on why this is, but suffice to say, when we train people to dehumanize their enemy, we set them up for massive trauma.
PPS. I have some great things coming up and you can check them out here

PPS.  you can listen to my podcast with the Tarot and Earth Medicine of the month right here at Anchor or on Spotify.

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all the things.

It has been a week. I mean, it has been a month. Or so.

Actually, let’s be frank it has been a year. Or two.

No, I guess, it has been a life.

As the Buddhist note, it is all sucky, uh, I mean suffering. It shouldn't be shocking when things are hard. I have a very child-like part of me that is wide-eyed, gullible, and trusting. She jumps into things and as my friend Jess says, "She's a joiner!" Then the other part of me is world-weary and jaded. She sits in a darkened room by candlelight, smoking unfiltered cigarettes, drinking black coffee, listening to the Velvet Underground and talking about existentialism. She guffaws a lot and says, "I bet it is!" She is always urging me to just take a nap, then get a jobby job with the State already. I have have these two competing for attention. Let’s say they are two turtles.***

The naïve part constantly says, “Certainly, that’s it for the ‘hard stuff’ of this life. After this bout of cancer/babyloss/illness/husband surgery/busy season, everything is going to be smooth sailing.” I have two prints in my house that was hung by that Divine Fool aspect of me. One says, “EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY” and the other one says, “Nothing but blue skies from here on out.”

The jaded part is waiting for the next thing. She sits like a gargoyle on the mantle and growls at people who move her shit. She hung a sign that says, “Don’t Fuck with Me. (Protect your Energy.)”

The two turtles are fighting inside me. One is jaded. The other is not. This is not an Ancient Panamanian proverb. It is a metaphor and the turtles will make sense in a bit.

I keep thinking things will slow down and then they don’t. The jaded part asks the enthusiastic child part, “Why are you overscheduling yourself?” And the Divine Fool says, “I can’t help it. All the things are important. I love all the things.”

Are they? Are all the things important?

The jaded part points out that taking care of me, and me first, is priority. "No one else is going to watch your ass, Toots. You better make sure you get a nap."

+ + + + +

My brother-in-law, sister-in-law and niece visited this weekend, and my niece says, “I love everything about your house. It is the most inviting and comfortable house I have ever been to.” And it made my decade. That is literally my only style aesthetic—warm, inviting, comfortable. All my furniture is thrifted. I have plants everywhere. Crystals on the surfaces that make sense. There is art on almost all the walls…art from my kids, art from me, art prints are treated with the same import as painting and retablos and metal and woodwork, which I love. It just fills me with JOY to see everything I love out and accessible.

And without thinking I said, “Yeah, I am a maximalist.”

More is more. I try to distill my thoughts, keep things nice and streamlined. I have tried to play minimalist. Mysterious and distant. Giving you only a little. But it is not me. That childlike enthusiastic part of me that wakes up at 4am with the first thought being, “YAY! It’s morning! Can I get up now?” When someone talks about something I love, I get bright-eyed and just start sharing all the things I know.

Less is more leaves me wanting. I keep adding things. I put it all out there. More than is needed. I painted the tree. Then started adding animals. More animals. With people visiting, I make more food than is needed. I create more art, more words, more research.

All that is to say that I am unraveling this part of me that thinks all the things are important.

I am a neurodivergent, thinky, introvert masking as an extrovert. I am a research monkey and an artist, creative and logical. But I have to start saying “No”. I have to stop contributing to my own suffering. I have to learn how to prioritize. And when I started saying this over the weekend, when my feet ached and all I wanted to do was hide away, the medicine started coming in big time.

I thought in October, we would be journeying with bat (what an October animal to journey with) or owl again. But no, sea turtle came through. Sea Goddamn Turtle.

A turtle of the sea for this landlocked mama. I mean, I love turtle. They are nice. They generally seem to mind their own beeswax. This is a quality I admire in humans and in animal species. I began journeying with turtle to prepare the guided journey for my membership group, researching turtle and finding the medicine was exactly what was needed right now. Firstly, it is coming in the watery West, in Autumn, and it lives primarily in water—we are going to be dealing with deep emotions. The secondly, it is about slowing down, going inward.

When I journeyed with turtle, she took me into a turquoise sea with the bright sun shining through the water, illuminating the parts of me that need attention. She showed me that she walks slow on land because she is a water being. When she walks slowly on land, she has to be very protective. She is easily targeted for attack. "That is why the hare was so much faster," sea turtle said, "I'm not a creature of the land."—the turtle is supposed to be in the water. She showed me she travels through time through millennia. She showed me how ancient they are, and how they can access the knowledge from the 40,000 years of mankind that existed before writing did.

As I was journeying, I fell asleep. I rarely do that. But it all caught up with me—the past week, month, year…I ended up waking up groggy with the icaros still going, and me singing them in my sleep. I tried to focus on my work and record the journey for my membership group. But an ocular migraine slowly developed, which forced me into a dark room, then two more naps. I fell asleep at 9p.

+ + + + +

Turtle’s medicine was a forced pause. "BAM you need to slow down, sister!" I truly have been going a mile a minute, waking up at 4am just to get everything done. Turtle medicine slows us down, to evaluate if ALL THE THINGS are important. Are all those deadlines and busy-ness self-imposed? Can you un-impose them?

The next day, a groggy, slow, post-migraine day, our power went out at 6p, right before I went live for my weekly Live Office Hours, where I answer questions live for our crystal students. Everything shut down. I was done, but prepping the live video feed. I couldn’t access my work or research. We had no internet connection. The house was growing darker. The refrigerator warmer.

I contacted the team—"I have to reschedule.” And it was rescheduled in 5 minutes.

Many years ago, when I worked at a café in Tucson, I opened the shop. I get in there at 530a, and there is an inch of water covering the entire coffeehouse. I called the other worker to come in early. I turned off the water to the ice machine, which was the issue, and took a mop and began mopping up the floor. One mop head at a time. Sop up water. Put it in the mop bucket. Squeeze. Repeat. For 1 hour. Before someone else came in and said, “You do not have to mop this.” Basically, you do not have to do this impossible task alone and try to open the café by 7am. You can ask for help. And then they pulled out a squeegee and pushed the water out into the parking lot in almost no time. (Again, I ask myself why I am causing my own suffering?)

Yesterday, Spirit said, “Not today, honey. You cannot do all the things.” Zap. The power was out. Now what? Sit down. No devices. No work. No things were as important as the moment I was in right now.

I took a breather. Played cards with my kids. Set up the generator, the candles and emergency lanterns.

Turtle gave me this lesson this week.

That is how the medicine is, you know. You begin working with an animal, connecting with its energy, learning its ways, and then you can see those obstacles coming is as gifts and lessons. I very much needed turtle medicine. My Divine Fool part reminds me of the other sign she hung in my house, the one that says, “I am practicing radical self-acceptance, because this is the only me I’ve got.”

Sacred Turtle, the master of longevity and patience, comes forth for you too this month. Slow it the eff down, friend. Call in sick. Let the power outage bring you mindfulness and presence. Feed both of the turtles. The one that speeds through the ocean and the other that rambles, wearily, through the sand, and let them be brothers in arms, fighting against all the things to bring you just the right thing.