Listen to this month’s tarot + earth medicine reading on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts, or right here on my website!
Blessed Vernal Equinox
Blessed Vernal Equinox, friends! This episode of Centered is a reading, history and insights around Vernal Equinox or what modern pagans and Wiccans call Ostara.
Disclaimer for this episode is that I nerd out on some religious and cultural history of this time of the year. I include talk about Christianity, Judaism and the bible. I tend to give you biblical verses for context not preachiness. One thing to know is that I have a degree in Religion. We tend to say that Theologians, of which I am not, focus on what God thinks about humans, and Religion scholars focus on what humans think about God, so I am coming from the latter of these. And in this quest to put things into context, I often will go to the source within that religion. I do my best. I was raised Catholic and am now a pagan. I’m an earth-worshipping, tree hugging, faithful and faith filled believer in the Goddess and God, and often will just say God to mean it all. I want you to know that, because I don’t want to mislead anyone. I tend to see our alikeness in religious beliefs rather than our otherness. I could literally talk Religion all day. And maybe I will some episode.
So, there is no one traditional religion or culture where you would find all eight pagan/Wiccan sabbats as a holiday system. Wicca, also known as Witchcraft or the Craft, seeks to reestablish the link to the earth and the cycle of seasons by following what Wiccans call the "Wheel of the Year." Celebrations, known as Sabbats, serve as the spokes of the Wheel, reminding practitioners of humanity's intimate connection to nature. The Lesser Sabbats, tied to the solstices and equinoxes, and the Greater Sabbats, purportedly tied to harvest and livestock cycles, occur approximately every six weeks. Through observance of the Sabbats and Esbats, rituals taking place every new and full moon, witches keep in touch with the progression of the year and nature's rhythms.That came about in the 1950s with the creation of Wicca by Gerald Gardner.
Ostara celebrates the vernal equinox. Ostara is one of the holy days that Gardner solidified for pagans. Ostara, named after the Eostre, the Germanic Goddess of the Spring (others say she is Celtic) is celebrated on the Vernal or Spring Equinox. Like many other spring celebrations in other cultures, Ostara symbolizes fertility, rebirth, and renewal. This time of year marked the beginning of the agricultural cycle, and farmers would start planting seeds…listen to continue.
Beyond the Reiki gateway: The Songs and Science of Crystals with Angie Yingst
I was so honored to be on the Beyond Reiki Gateway Podcast talking about all things crystals!!
Do you love crystals? Have you ever wondered how they work their special magic?
Tune in as Kathleen and Andrea welcome Angie Yingst to the pod! Angie is an Advanced Crystal Master, Reiki Master, Tarot reader, and Earth Medicine Practitioner. She owns the Moon + Stone Healing Studio and hosts the podcast Centered with Angie Yingst.
In this must-listen episode, Angie shares her treasure trove of wisdom and knowledge about the mineral kingdom, as she seamlessly blends science with spirituality. She describes the "songs" of the crystals and how listening to them can assist us on our own unique paths.
Angie Yingst also offers practical tips on working with crystals so you can optimize their healing benefits in your life!
Listen to the latest episode of Beyond the Reiki Gateway on your favorite podcast app!
You can listen to The Songs and Science of Crystals with Angie Yingst 🎧 ➡
Also available on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@BTRGPodcast
#BTRGPodcast #beyondthereikigateway #universoulheartreiki #mainstreamreiki #crystals #kathleen_johnsonrmt #andreakennedy #spiritualgrowth #reiki #reikimaster #energyhealing #spirituality #Clairsentience #spiritualgrowth #reiki #reikimaster
Centered Episode 49: Tarot Q+A
In this episode, I am talking about Tarot + the spiritual work of the healer. I have questions that I keep finding that I forgot to answer earlier, or just held onto for a bit, so apologies if that was you. I like to create Q&As that are related. I also have some events and things coming up that you might be interested in, so I have that after my questions, if you hang out that long. Enjoy this episode of Centered.
The questions:
Can you talk about how to create your own tarot layouts? How did you start doing that? And how do you recommend doing it?
What is a significator and why don’t you talk about them?
Beka Caudill asked Is there a certain day you suggest doing your tarot pull for the year? Any specific questions to ask?
Julie Milletti asked Are there times when you don’t do anything spiritual — tarot, meditation, earth medicine practices, etc.?✨
Full Moon in Virgo
Blessed Full Moon in Virgo!
It is a great time to look at our work--our soul work, or our jobby job. We have to find that spiritual fulfillment there, and if not, this full moon can help us balancing what our vision of work is supposed to be.
Also, Saturn is moving into Pisces, y'all. I mean, like Saturn is all about structures, and Pisces is very watery and mutable, so what does that look like? No idea. But weird, I imagine. Flowy. We have some years to get used to it. But I imagine we about to get in our feels, yo. And especially around our structures. This could technically be the Age of Aquarius, or the Age of Water.
Since 2017, Saturn has been in its own planets (Capricorn and Aquarius), now it is going to butt heads with our resident empath Pisces, the co-dependent nurturer and indulger. It's going to be a trip, but instead of getting in yo head about it, just enjoy organizing your pantry and color-coordinating your filing system with Virgo's Full Moon, and while you are at it, honor the people you are of service to. They love you! #themoonandstone #fullmooninvirgo
Tarot + Earth Medicine Reading for March
Blessed March, friends! They say March roars in like a lion but leaves as a lamb. But this March is roaring in with so much astrological shifting, we may want to roar, cry, mew, dance the Macarena, and hide under a blanket with a computer to take over the world.
This is the month we have all been waiting for, or at least, that is what we were told in the beginning of the year by astrologers. All these retrogrades, they said, just wait until March when everything shifts. I was in my live membership group circle and someone mentioned the crazy astrology in March, and I had totally forgotten. I was so caught up in what I thought would be a mild February. It was anything but for me. I was definitely getting ready for March.
So, if you have felt like me and are saying to yourself, “What gives? I thought this would be the calm time of the year.” You have laid the foundation, friend, to shift, change, adapt and let yourself get taken by the inevitable transformations of March’s astrology and energy.
Of course, I discuss this all in the Tarot + Earth Medicine Reading for March in my latest podcast. Click to listen here or at my Anchor site. Or you know Spotify, ApplePodcasts, etc…whereever you get pods, you can get mine.
+ + + + +
If you like these readings for the month and want to dive deeper with me, I have my Moon + Stone Healing Memberships. I do readings for the group on the Full Moon and the New Moon and provide a monthly shamanic journey to all members. We circle up for Coffee on Fridays and talk, pull cards, explore topics. There are a few price points for everyone and for one tier, I do a personal reading.
I just wanted to share that, since so many of you ask for how to work with me, or learn from me, I also have a place where you can schedule distant sessions with me.
And one more thing, I am starting a monthly Live Q&A, which will be very similar to my office hours at Hibiscus Moon Crystal Academy. You can sign up here. The last Wednesday of the Month. More about that coming!
Holding Space
I love the phrase “Holding Space”. I love the way it makes you think about space as something tangible and weighty. I definitely think of space this way—substantive, tangible, having its own energy. I walk into places and feel my energy rise and feel joyful and other places that drag me down and creep me out. The lovely side effects of being a highly sensitive person, neurodivergent, psychic, weird. Whatever you want to call it. I also feel that from people. Authenticity. The energy signature of each person is a bit different. It is how I feel my father with me even though he died five years ago. I feel his energy.
When I studied with my mentor, Pixie Lighthorse, we covered holding space—creating a safe environment for our clients and for ourselves. Of course, all my teachers cover sacred space and how to create an energetic neutral environment, but this was different. We talked about how to HOLD space. How to create a vessel for safety and trust. How to honor our clients. How to respect ourselves. We talked about psychological terms like transference and counter-transference. I can hear you say, “But those are psychological terms, Angie, and you aint a psychologist.”
True dat.
But the psychological model can be very useful for all of us who hold space for other people. Without a governing body, energy workers, Reiki practitioners, tarot readers, yogis, spiritual coaches, all of us really can get lost on our path. We burn out from working on people. Boundaries get crossed without us even knowing their should be a boundary there. Most of us need some guidance or guideposts on the way. A kind of moral compass and guide book for this landscape of energy.
When I got my first certification, I hung a shingle. I saw friends and colleagues, expanding my business online and in-person. I loved it. I held Moon Circles with no qualification other than I had been to Moon Circles. And as I got deeper into the work, the clients came to me with complex issues that needed a multi-pronged approach, and I had no idea what to do.
This is me saying—I made a lot of mistakes in my practice and my circles.
I let myself get triangulated. I became friends with clients and then had them calling with at all hours with Tarot emergencies. I tried to do everything for clients. I had my work and classes stolen from me by students. I let people not show up to appointments or come in late and got more and more resentful without talking to them. Truthfully, I was just a person in over her head in a community that were searching for more than I was trained to give.
Studying with Pixie changed my perspective. I am a professional and holding space is the most important part of my job. For my sanity and for the wellness of other people. I love research. I call myself a research monkey (though, honestly, the more I think about that, the more it sounds like I let people experiment on me). When I began my healing journey, I found called to work on others. When I began my healing trauma, I went down some really important rabbit holes for being trauma-informed in my practice. I felt I had unknowingly allowed my own privilege and bias not inform my practice. I have always taught ethics and boundaries in my circles, but through the years, it deepened and expanded with the core of my beliefs residing in love, kindness, and compassion. From there I rebuilt my approach to not only be loving, kind and compassionate to my clients, but also loving, kind and compassionate to me.
As I have said before, my philosophy can be summed up as “Do no harm, but take no shit.”
Ethics + learning how to hold space were the cornerstones of my successful energy healing practice. They’re the North Star that guides you to successfully have a thriving practice and honor your precious clients and protect your energy.
I am very honored to bring you the full scope of holding space, ethics + trauma-informed crystal therapy. My goal with this class is to EMPOWER you to have a practice that fulfills you, brings out the best in you, and serves your client’s highest needs.
I originally taught this class at Hibiscus Moon Crystal Academy, and am offering it here. Read more about it here:
scheduling
another q+a episode on centered with angie
Just a quick little episode of Centered answer these questions:
from Shannon:
I would love to know more about your Earth medicine journey and how you personally recognize and find meaning in the gifts Gaia offers you.
and then another from Melanie:
Hi Angie. What is the significance of the "Rising" sign and 12th House? I have my birth chart. They said I'm an Aries with Leo Rising and Cancer in the 12th House. I don't know what to do with that info. ❤️
New Moon in Pisces
anti valentine's day
shadow work
I am answering questions again. I like to answer questions, so keep them coming.This time I invited Kyra Paules to join me. We exchanged some Marco Polos about it, and then we jumped on Zoom.
Do we do shadow work or does the shadow work us? That is not the question we answer, but we say it at some point. So, Kyra and I thought we would answer some questions about shadow work, but really we only answer one question. Why are we qualified to talk about shadow anything? We like it. Also, Kyra is training to be a Jungian analyst, she is an official shadow retrieval facilitator and a therapist. I am a shamanic practitioner and we basically are shadowy creatures that like to explore the liminal spaces. And I am in recovery and we do shadow work, even though we don't call it that. We call it the fourth and fifth step.
Here are the questions we actually were asked:
Tan - My question is: how do you integrate shadow work? Shadow work gives us breakthroughs and revelations, most of the time I end up not knowing how to integrate it. How do I implement the changes? Sometimes I might even have a glimpse of what I need to do but actually doing it becomes hard. Maybe ego sabotages your missions with laziness or talks you out of it. How can we integrate our shadow in a way we don’t fell into it again?
Beka - yes, break it down on how one can do shadow work, ID your shadows etc.
If you want to find Kyra, go to http://awentarot.com and you can always find me at http://themoonandstone.com
Time, the Destroyer
Dear Time Bandits,
My Shamanic teacher once said during a business coaching call, “if I can give you one piece of advice.” I paused. This nugget will be magick, I thought. “Everything is going to take you two to three times longer than you think it will.”
At the time, I didn’t think that was so insightful. I used to be good at time management, but now, I realize it is the best bit of advice…schedule things 2-3 times longer than you expect. Set expectations low. You know how the Two of Pentacles shows a guy juggling everything and looking slick, but when he is reversed everything falls everywhere and the illusion of having it together is totally gone? Yeah, that is me right now. Reversed. Everything is taking me soooo long. Am I in slo-mo, or am I practicing more self-care and thus cannot get as much done?
Maybe choice 2, but also a little of both.
In the end, the time thing is a big deal. I unwind my programming around time. Like a kitten with yarn, it is just a big tangled mess, weaving in and around the house, knotting and fraying, and my potted plants are suffering. When I was a kid, my mother was always late. We used to call it Panamanian Standard Time-15 minutes after start time. As an adult, lateness gives me agita. I start to freak out and stress everyone out. As my youngest says tearing up, "Stop hurrying, mama." Then I am early and sit in the car like a crazy person waiting for someone else to show up so I can look normal.
What do I feel about time now? I can give you a thousand examples of time speeding and a thousand more of it being slow and plodding this last year. I cried because there wasn't enough time, and cried when I felt like time was not moving fast enough. When I had cancer, I kept reminding myself that time was an illusion, and I could jump ahead to the good stuff, but I didn't and I couldn't.
Most days, I wake up with ants in my pants and don’t stop moving. My leg bounces all day. I drive fast. I chew my nails. I stutter and get caught on words because my tongue cannot keep up with my brain. I run into hallway corners because it is wasting my time to follow the giant human size space I am supposed to be walking within. As a middle aged person, I cannot believe how long I have been alive and how fast it all has gone.
But since I was released to my own devices in the work machine, I especially feel like time has been moving so quickly, which I have been moving through mud, losing time when I write and create, think and meditate. The day is gone and my schedule, while full and creative, was not as well-managed as I wanted it to be. Time stalks us. Kyra said in our latest podcast—I don’t think self-sabotage exists…we just have to look at what needs we are neglecting. And maybe I am finally meeting my needs, and that just takes extra minutes in the day. And I want to practice at a slower pace, savoring the moments of magick throughout my life. When I think about time, I also think about mortality. Time is the Goddess of Destruction, Kali.
I read a post on Facebook that set me right on my ideas of Kali, and of course, changed everything. I used to think Kali was the goddess of Destruction and Justice and Rage. My sacred anger manifest in visions of her revenge. I called her in, worshipped at her altar, especially with my work around healing sexual trauma. She came at an important time, but I totally misunderstood why she came. I thought it was for my anger, but Shivani Hawkins shared this on Facebook a few years ago. I come back to it again and again.
Kālī is not the goddess of anger…She is Śiva's direct power, wisdom, and love. She is the power of meditation. Yes, she is described as an effulgent, luminous darkness because that is in part what the inner world looks like when you are meditating.
Kālī…destroys EVERYTHING, because TIME destroys everything, including the construct of self and existence itself.
Is that scary? Of course it is. Why do you think you keep avoiding meditation practice?
In her mythology, she first kills off the bad guys (harmful beliefs). Then she kills off the good guys ("good" beliefs). Finally, she even cuts off her own head (Chinnamasta Kālī) because even SHE does not exist. Nothing is spared from her "wrath" (but is it wrath really?) because nothing but beloved Śiva - the supreme Oneness - is real.
Shivani’s powerful post unlocked something in me when I saw it. I have not been praying to Sacred Rage and Destruction. I have been praying to Time and Meditation. I have been praying for the illusions I hold to be made clear, to break down my patterns, to rescue me from me. I have been saying, Dark Mother, Sacred Time, help me see the illusions that keep me in chains. And she responded with lessons:
Your elders grow old, get sick, and die, but so do pets and babies sometimes. Just sit with that.
Your body is impermanent, child. Breasts are used to feed children, but you can still live without them. You can live without a womb. Cancer will show you that. Just sit with that.
You are not your body. Your body will die too one day. It may be tomorrow. We cannot control when or where, but we will all not have a body. Just sit with that.
You, your idea of you, will be destroyed too, because you too are an illusion. You are a result of a million actions and those actions, forgotten and unimportant, will be lost. Just sit with that.
Sit, daughter, sit still and meditate. And when you are not afraid, sit some more.
I sit. Kali destroys because time destroys. Everything is impermanent, except all that is, which we are also part of, even if there isn’t a we. I have re-engaged the philosophical part of my brain. It is like my day job stopped and my body was like Sit. Contemplate egolessness. Read. Feel small. Move in sacred ways. Sit again.
Do I have monkey mind? Yes.
Do I have ants in my pants? Yes.
Do I open my eyes at five minutes thinking it has been 30? Yes.
Do I still sit? Yes.
I want to share another paragraph of Shivani’s post:
This is full-blown liberation here. Not just freedom from what is harmful to us as mammals in human bodies, but freedom from every thought, concept, and self-construct that exists to separate us from the field of Beingness itself. From the pain of separation itself. She (Kali) is the vehicle of pure mystical union, where only God remains.
The Myth of Separation, Pixie calls it, the idea that we are all different and special and separate from the Earth, from Love, from the Universe. We are all one. And when we accept that, we can heal. When we surrender to time, allow the destruction to be part of us, returning us again to the whole of consciousness, we experience all that is.
See what I mean about time? My wandering brain explores long forgotten dark tunnels, digging into muscle memory of thinking about thinking, returning from its hibernation into both old and new landscape. I guess that happens when I just sit with it all.
I didn’t mean to say all this. I honestly, just meant to come in and just say:
I’m back, bitches!
But you know, like I know, I was never really gone. I was working. Sometimes on me. Sometimes just logging miles on the Mami-mobile I have been taking a minute to breathe and think and that is giving me some amazing ideas for offerings. Until then, if you want to connect with me, here is what I am offering:
- Private one-on-one shamanic earth medicine (crystal healing) sessions both in person at Alta View Wellness Center in Harrisburg, PA
- Private one-on-one spiritual counseling tarot sessions both in person at Alta View Wellness Center in Harrisburg, PA
- Private one-on-one distant shamanic earth medicine (crystal healing) sessions through Zoom or recording
- Private one-on-one spiritual counseling tarot sessions through Zoom or recording
- The Moon + Stone Healing Membership which includes
- Private Membership in our FB Group
- Collective Readings at the New Moon + Full Moon
- a monthly shamanic journey
- Live Circle time with me, community and more in the Moon + Stone Membership group
Imbolc Reading
Enjoy this Collective Imbolc Reading for February 1. And you can try it yourself with this layout from my book the Complete Tarot Layouts:
Episode 44: Tarot+ Earth Medicine Reading for February 2023
Enjoy the tarot + earth medicine reading for February 2023
Episode 43: Angie rambling and Q&As
Another rambly episode of the podcast for you, squirrel friends. (RuPaul, I adore you.) I promise more regular postings and musings as I wind down my other life and fire up a new way of being.
Date in Peace Podcast with Lauren Smith: Building Peaceful Relationships with Crystals & Tarot
I was so honored to talk to Lauren Smith on her podcast Date in Peace, which is all about dating. Lauren Smith is an author of the book the Mindful Dating Journal and creator of an app called the MettaDate Journal App. The Mindful Dating Journal is your guide to using mindfulness to find a deep connection. Explore your past and track your present to set the foundation for a fulfilling relationship and the app, MettaDate Journal App is a simple mindfulness tool for modern daters. Lauren and I met many many years ago when she was the youngest member of a meditation circle I belonged to where I learned to channel and talk to Angels. I remember Lauren’s vibrance and connect to the Elemental realm as such a beautiful addition to our circle of older women exploring the metaphysical together. I really loved talking about Tarot and Crystals and Dating. You can follow Lauren here on IG: https://www.instagram.com/mettadate/ and at her website: Lauren Smith Studio
Episode 40: Tarot + Earth Medicine Reading for December 2022
Blessed December! It’s going to be a dumpster fire, or it isn’t. We are working with the Hanged Man, so it is hard to know, but one thing is that if you want clarity, you can have it. Just don’t ask a question you don’t want to hear the answer to. Honestly. Seriously. We are hanging in a place between Justice (skewed Justice or real Justice, who knows for real?) and Death. And when we know the truth and we can’t unhear it.
We are working with Pyrite, Hematite and Petrified Wood. Quaking Aspen and Vulture. I think I am going to work with Condor, a type of Vulture, as South American Quechuan guide and ally.
Have an amazing December!! I’ll be back with Midwinter/Winter Solstice Reading December 21.
Centered Q&A Episodes 37 & 38
Ugh, I forgot to post my November Earth Medicine + Tarot reading. For the month of November, we are working with the Eight of Swords, Salmon medicine, Thyme and the Crystals: Labradorite, Larimar + Sunstone. We deal with Mars Retrograde and a Lunar Eclipse…holy crap!
Episode 38 answers some questions from our listeners Tarot, Stage Cards, Moon phase work + Retrogrades. Here they are:
Suzanne asked, “Is there a card/s that is always a little difficult to interpret when it comes up in a reading? Conversely is there one or multiple that are easier? 🔮😻”
Tan Hm asked, “Stage cards confuse me! And it would be amazing if you could talk about how to integrate after shadow work.”
Danielle asked, “Phases- from the moon phases and the spiritual meanings, to the spiritual phases (waves) most of us experience in life…. Planet retrogrades and the different impacts depending on the sign if occurs in.”
Suzanne asked, “I know this info is probably somewhere but can you talk a little bit about what "retrograde" means. You can always send a question to angie@themoonandstone.com for me to cover in an upcoming episode or record one on my anchor page at https://anchor.fm/angie-yingst/message
eyeballing the eclipse
This is eclipse is making me think about seeing things.
Like the one time I was driving to my mother’s house, and I turned my head into a field that had a stream running through it and there was a monkey. Like a real ass monkey. I passed it, processed the scene, then stopped the car completely. A monkey? In rural Pennsylvania? My left brain retorted, “Uh, no, sir. There is an error in that calculation.” I reversed up the country road.
When I came to the spot where the monkey lived, I squinted and looked, but it was just a tree trunk with branches that looked like a monkey. “It changed back to the tree,” I thought.
+ + +
I woke at 3:02 am ET, exactly, the time the eclipse was starting. The moon whispered in my ear…it is time, my love. It is time, seer, to witness the shadow fall over me and change the shape of things.
The entire yard illuminated by the moon, which I could not find. I walked to the west and there it was, like a spotlight over everything. It was totally full and bright and I said, “Here we go.” (As I write this now, the red is starting to creep over the moon from the top down, like a shade is being pulled over it.)
+ + +
This past weekend, I was honored to hold space for women in an earth medicine retreat where we worked with journey and painting to let the right brain drive for a while in a flowy, dreamy third eye dance. We journeyed, drank dream tea, and painted in a meditative state that implored us to get out of our own way. Our right brain just wants to drive for a while, but what happens, inevitably, is we argue with ourselves.
“This looks dumb. Paint something real, m’kay?”
“Shut it, Lefty. I am just flowing over here.”
“That’s not a real painting. Come on. What the fuck is this? Paint something real. We need evidence of art.”
“Maybe you are right. I don’t think I can do this. Maybe I should go nap. No, wait, you are left. I am just doing what is suggested and seeing how it unfolds. It doesn’t have to be anything right now. Nothing is supposed to be perfect.”
“It can be.”
And on and on…my Right Brain, let’s call it Orpheus, often is much more polite than is required. It says, “Thank you for sharing, Logos, but I am not looking for any advice right now.” Logos totally hates that shit. It is a know-it-all with half the information and so Logos keeps sending evidentiary memories to remind you of how flowing and being too creatively free made us objects of ridicule, or where teachers marked us off points for not being in the lines, or when someone called you flakey that one time.
We painted for four hours, the internal dialogue lessening over the sessions and the painting unfolding slowly. My first layer has a lot of optimism and messages of flying high, going for it. I pulled a Rebel Deck oracle card that said, "Get after that shit." And then the second layer turned darker and more defiant. Why are you always getting after shit? Just calm down. Pause.
I handed out secret messages every so often, like reminders from Spirit, a tablespoon of the extra sauce available for the flow. My second secret message said, "Take that Leap." And I just took the black and wrote NO next to it. I don't want to take the leap. (I may look defiant, but I am pliable and follow the rules and get nervous when I hold boundaries or say no.) I let the second layer be angry and defiant and punk rock. Hellz to the yeah!
My third layer came like a breeze, softening, honoring, calling in the medicine of my inner child and my inner mother, the one that sits with change and destruction and soothes. She said, "It's just an illusion of the sun and the earth. The Sun is shining behind you, my love. It is casting a shadow and makes the moon look like it disappears. Do not be afraid, the moon is always there whether we see it or not. You are always there whether you see or not."
+ + +
The night sky is darkening even more now, and the moon is starting to be enveloped by its shadow. I wonder if my writing will be enveloped by shadow too. The Sun is behind us now, as the Moon does her thing. It reminds me of Plato's Allegory of the Cave. The shadow emerges and I wonder if I what I will see in this time and how I will see it. I need another cup of coffee.
+ + +
Then after painting, we ate, then we got ready for a dream/third eye focused collective grid crystal healing for dreamwork. Hot flashes + painting + unseasonably warm weather = Angie needs a shower. My mentor talks about adorning before ceremony, cleansing the energy field, doing the work. I pour a baño over my head, salt and herbs and water flowing over me. It feels so good to be in water. I craved it when I can't take a bath or cleanse this way. Then, in the shower, soap got in my eye. Mint soap. (Do adults regularly get soap in their eyes? Asking for a friend.)
It burned, and I rubbed and rubbed and rinsed it best I could with contacts in. And then it felt like my contact rolled up into my eyelid. I finished the shower and went to look in the mirror to retrieve the contact.
I just couldn’t find it.
I start sweating again, knowing that everyone is waiting on me, but my contact was stuck in my eye. What if it traveled into my brain? What if it caused a massive infection? What if I can’t get it? My left brain was loving this shit. Logos said, “YAY, home surgery!! I watch television where people do surgery all the time. We can do this.”
My right brain was like, “Uh, no. You aren’t getting it out that way. Let’s just go with the flow, man. Plus, you are going into a deep third eye meditation. Maybe there is a reason you cannot see right now. Or you can only see out of one eye. Look deeper, Ang. Look at the thing behind the thing. Just reconcile yourself to the fact that you aren’t seeing from this side tonight. The suffering comes from trying to do something you cannot do, like find a lost contact in your eye.”
I told everyone, and the ladies poked and prodded, and suggested things. I wasn’t sure if I was seeing a contact or the sclera, so in the end, I just went on, unable to see out of my right eye, looking like Popeye.
I have terrible eyesight. I mean, I think it is considered 20/500. Meaning what I see at 20 feet is what someone who had good eyesight sees at 500 feet. But I didn’t need to see. I was in the flow of the music of Jonathan Goldman, and the amazing energy of the archangels and ascended masters, the crystals and sacred geometry. I just did what I was trained to do as the wind howled outside and the almost full moon shone through the windows. I stepped into the light and just bathed in the moonlight.
Thank you, I whispered to Grandmother Moon. Thank you for letting me do this work.
+ + +
There is no light outside now. It is like a deep darkness, one that scares me a bit. The stars are suddenly illuminated—always there, but I couldn’t see them with the brightness of the Full Moon.
+ + +
Spirit wanted me to see without seeing, to see perfectly out of my left side and be fuzzy in the right. Fuzzy and tuned in. My eye ached from being manipulated and touched and ran with tears. I could still feel the contact in there, way back behind my eye, but I just trusted and moved into the flow.
Sometimes we have to not see before we can truly see. Sometimes we need to trust that what we need is right there, even if we don’t have evidence for that.
I fell asleep imagining the contact swimming toward my front cortex with little cartoon arms and exploratory tools, like a mini-pickaxe, strapped to its back. In the morning, I looked in my eye again. It felt injured—achy and sore. Still two days later, it feels achy and sore. I still didn't see any contact, but the eye was goopy. I made coffee and pulled tarot cards from the Alleyman Tarot.
Every card and description involved seeing. When the 10 of Eyes came, I realized that even this was the medicine of the weekend. Seeing was preventing me from the feeling. Seeing was preventing me from honoring. It was preventing me from trusting that the monkey was the medicine I needed at that moment. The medicine of laughter, communication, and community. Later in the morning, I found my contact in the sink, stuck half in and half out of the drain.
It was never in my eye. It had fallen out at some point, but I was still looking for something not there. Because wounds feel like that sometimes, like something is there that simply isn’t. Like there is a huge folded up piece of plastic in your eye lid, when it was your own damned finger.
Sometimes you are your own damned irritant.
This lesson is eternal. No matter how much we look outward, we always have a finger poking our own eye.
In recovery, we use sponsors. Sponsors are people who have gone through the twelve steps and guide us through them too. The Twelve Steps basically help you have a spiritual experience by doing some self-reflection, looking at our wounds and the wounding we caused others, asking Spirit to guide you to release the underlying character defects so you can be of maximum service to the world. Sponsors guide you in your spiritual journey, and so we call them when we are poking our own eyes, and seeing things that are not there, and avoiding the things right in front of us. Sponsors are not like therapists though. They often laugh when you are stuck and say, “Yep, that’s how it goes. I remember when that happened to me too. Stop poking your own eye when it hurts. Close your eyes and use your ears instead. Listen.” They can only share their experience, really. They aren’t there to solve the problem, just to think about it in another way.
I am not saying you should become an alcoholic but having a sponsor might be a good thing. You know the person who says, “Did you look in the sink first before you went around doing home surgery without sterilized equipment?” Then they usually say, “Why don’t you pray about it? Why are you trying to fix everything on your own?”
The Left-Brain loves poking at things and doing home surgery and making up conspiracy theories and letting your wounding take on the role of “logic” in your brain. It is the Right Brain that says, “Let’s just make some meaning out of this and go with the flow. Maybe this will lead us somewhere cool.”
+ + +
The Moon is completely covered now, there is not even a sliver, and I woke my daughter to see. She saw the blood red of the dark side as it was slowly covered. Then she plodded back to bed. Now it is just a shadow of itself. We honor the crone in the darkness, how the grandmother sits and waits and says, "It all goes too fast." Secrets are said to be revealed this total lunar eclipse in Taurus with the Sun, Venus and Mercury in Scorpio and with Uranus and square Saturn. We are as sick as our secrets; crone sponsors have been saying for decades. Maybe the medicine is the sharing of secrets.
The dogs were not interested in going outside, and I thought about how wise they are not to stand under the moon eclipsing and darkening. They stay inside and cuddle up, preparing for a long day of napping.
