dearest moon + stoners,
I just finished the latest Complete Tarot course, and it was such an awesome mix of people and energies. I held two Live Q&As a week with that course, plus filmed a class each week, plus a layout class, and then of course, some bonus videos. My favorite bonus is something close to my heart, which are the Greek Myths that tangentially appear in the Major + Minor Arcana of the Tarot. You know, an hour of myth exploring and storytelling is my idea of a good time.
But, y'all, it was a lot. I left a situation at Hibiscus Moon Crystal Academy where we had a team of eight people basically launching classes, which were the same classes twice a year. We had it down to a proverbial science. And it still wore us out, burnt us out, but I also felt like I knew how to do it in my bones. So, when I was putting all my energy into the Moon + Stone and launching classes, I thought, "HOW HARD COULD IT BE?!?"
It is goddess-dang hard, yo.
Neck deep in the middle of a session of the Complete Tarot, I had a total mental breakdown where I just went into a catatonic state and stared at a wall for 90 minutes. I had nothing left in the tank. My kids needed a chauffeur, lawns needed to be mowed, and still I just stared. I was waking at 3:30am just to finish stuff before I had to do more stuff. Still, I was posting classes at the literal 11th hour. I fell asleep staring at the wall. My tank wasn't just empty. I exploded the engine all together, so there was no amount of gas that would make me run, but I still had to run.
I say this only to say, in the midst of that, I had this commitment to share my story (in recovery, we call it experience, strength, and hope) at one of our main celebration days in AA called Founder's Day. It is always an honor to share your story, because it means someone thinks you have something hopeful to share. This was my local Founder's Day picnic. I am in Central Pennsylvania and our Founder's Day picnic has a nice turnout--150 people.
Founder's Day, in case you don't know, is the day Alcoholics Anonymous was founded. It isn't the day Bill Wilson got sober. It is the day that Dr. Bob Smith got sober. Pull up a chair, I'm going to tell you a story.
Bill Wilson was a stock analyst who also happened to be a real alcoholic. He lost most of his money in the crash of 1929, and went on a hellish drinking spree that lasted for a long long time. He was unemployable, destitute, living with his in-laws, drinking himself into oblivion. At that time, alcoholism was seen as a moral failing (hey, in some circles, it is still seen that way). If you were an alcoholic, you ended up in an institution--jail or the sanitarium--or you ended up dead. There wasn't much hope for drunks.
Bill was in and out of the hospitals, the asylums and was basically told he would die or end up with wet brain. One day, his friend Ebby** came to visit. Bill and Ebby drank together many many times, and so Bill was excited to have a fellow drinker visiting. That is when Ebby told him he had quit drinking because he found God. Ebby had joined the Oxford Group, which was an evangelical Christian organization founded by the American Lutheran minister Frank Buchman in 1921. Buchman believed that fear and selfishness were the root of all problems. Further, Buchman believed that the solution to living with fear and selfishness was to "surrender one's life over to God's plan".
Bill really didn't want to hear about God, but he was intrigued that Ebby was sober and completely transformed. So, he tried it, but couldn't stay sober. They had steps to do and ways to take responsibilities for your life. Bill ended up in another institution in a few short months.
This time, though, he had the Oxford Group's ideas about being of service to your fellow man in the back of his mind, so in the midst of his Delirium Tremens, Bill W. yelled out to God and asked to be shown God. According to Bill W., while lying in bed depressed and despairing, he cried out, "I'll do anything! Anything at all! If there be a God, let Him show Himself!" He then had the sensation of a bright light, a feeling of ecstasy, and a new serenity. He never drank again for the remainder of his life.
Bill W. joined the Oxford Group and tried to help other alcoholics, but succeeded only in keeping sober himself. So, I say all of that for background, here is what I really want to share about this story. Bill W. travels to Akron Ohio for work. He has a terrible day. The whole reason he was there was to do business, and his business deal falls through. In AA, we always say he had a failed business trip. So, he walks into the lobby of his hotel. On one side of the lobby is a bar. People are laughing and drinking and having a good time.
He wants a drink. I mean, for the first time since his God experience, he wants a serious drink. But he knows that at the core of his sobriety is helping someone else. He stayed sober all this time by helping other alcoholics in the Oxford Group. Granted, they didn't stay sober, but he did. So, he is at this crossroads. He could go into the bar and have a drink or he could get out of his comfort zone and help another alcoholic.
I think about that crossroads every day. I am not exaggerating. I think about Bill W. standing there with all the laughing joyous people on one side of the lobby drinking alcohol and a bank of phones on the other side of the lobby. It is 1935, remember and he is somewhere where he knows no one. Obviously, no cell phone, no meetings (he hasn’t invented meetings yet), no companion, no other alcoholics.
What would you do?
He goes to the phones and calls a Church. RANDOMLY CALL A CHURCH, and basically says, "I need an alcoholic. Stat."
Actually, he does call a church and talked to Episcopal minister Rev. Walter Tunks and tells him that he is an alcoholic who wants to drink, and he has found when he helps another alcoholic, he doesn't drink, so the good Reverend sends him to a woman named Henrietta Sieberling, who is part of the Oxford Group in Akron. She had been praying for this alcoholic every day, so she sends to the guy. Dr. Robert Smith, a prominent Akron surgeon, whose drinking is affecting his practice, his life, his marriage....After delaying the meeting for a day, Dr. Bob agreed to a fifteen-minute encounter.
When they met, the fifteen minutes became six hours. Bill W. told him about his own experience as an alcoholic, he talked about what he had learned about alcoholism and then spoke of his own spiritual experience. Dr. Bob drank again within the month, but less than a month later, had his last drink. His sobriety date is considered the founding date of AA. From there, together, they found a drunk in a hospital and talked to him, and then another person. They decided on principles, ideals, and what helped. One alcoholic talking to another alcoholic.
Like I said, I think about that moment when Bill W. thought he was at his lowest. The last thing he wanted to do was call a church. He wanted to have a drink, but he thought it through. He had a spiritual awakening, and he wanted to keep his Spirit awake, so he went out of his comfort zone and took the path toward the phone. He called someone and said, "I'm an alcoholic." That is probably the last thing in the world he wanted to say out loud, and when he said it, he not only saved his life, but millions of other people over the last 88 years.
We are always at the crossroads, friends. Always. We stand in the morning at a crossroads. Do we want to go numbingly into the bar, or do we want to move towards our spiritual awakening? I always say this to my sponsees—you are either moving toward a drink or toward God or your Higher Power. That one step changed the history of the world, and your one step might too. Mine might. We just never know. We just never know when we meet the person who inspires us to change the world.
Why am I telling you this? Well, when I spoke at Founder's Day in front of 150 people, I woke up not wanting to do it. I, like most people, get nervous public speaking. I used to stutter and break out in hives when I was in front of other humans. Plus, I reasoned in my head, I made this commitment in February before I knew how busy I would be. I had just had a mental health sitch, where I was catatonic, recognizing my traumatized brain was in a state of dissociation, and I was deeply depressed and distressed. I wasn't calling my people. I was just existing one minute to the next, praying for these feelings to be over soon.
But nonetheless, that Saturday morning, I got up, sang up my prayers, did my morning Reiki, and drank my coffee. I drove to an AA meeting and made coffee, greeted people, did my best to share where I was, then I went home and got dressed and went to this picnic and stood in front of 137 people, plus a shit ton more who didn't count in, and told them about the most vulnerable part of me--the alcoholic part, the broken part, but I didn't stop there. I told them about my crossroads, hoping to help someone stay sober for one day.
Since my mental breakdown…
sidenote upon reflection: do I need to call it that? I don’t know. I am not crying all the time. I am just existing and numb, but it felt like a breakdown that I am hoping to transform into a breakthrough. But yeah, it kind of was a breakdown…
(back to our regularly scheduled update) Since my mental breakdown a few weeks ago, I had to keep working. I had to sit with my insane schedule of up at 330am and working for 16 hours. It didn't fall lightly on me that a few months ago, I saw a post by inspirational coach Annie Adamson that said:
"I would never hire a coach that…Doesn’t prioritize their health mental physical spiritual
Red flags 👋
🚩 Working overtime
🚩 Not moving their body
🚩 Skipping meals
🚩 Not taking time off
🚩 Ungrounded
🚩 Overly caffeinated 😝
If you are looking for a coach, ask them about their priorities. If they are not striving to live their best life, do not hire them…Looking for a good coach can be a daunting task. They could have all the "skills" and the best "intentions" but if they are not healthy it WILL effect you and your results." Ooof, man, that hit me right in the old kisser, or rather in the solar plexus.
Working overtime - uh, me.
Not moving their body - uh, me
Skipping meals - also, me
Not taking time off - um, I try.
Ungrounded - okay, I am pretty good at this one or am I?
Overly caffeinated - not overly, but at least a bit caffeinated.
I kept turning it over in my head. Is it fair to my students and clients that I feel like I am drowning and slowly dying inside and still doing a tarot reading for them?
The truth is that I have been working for the last eight years for a business where my boss took 2 months sabbatical, months and weeks off at a time, had a four day work week, 6 hour days. She modeled this, but I was working my fingers to the bone with no bonuses, health insurance or vacation days, waking up super early just to get everything done before my kids woke up. I have had to work every vacation for the last seven years because I wasn't granted a vacation. Because I had zero $ for vacation time, even though I gave tirelessly for this business, because you know what, I WASN'T EVEN A FULL TIME EMPLOYEE.
That is not my boss's fault, that is mine. She modeled good work-life balance. She modeled time off. I just didn’t take it. I tolerated working myself to death. I allowed myself to burn out. And to have my own business these last 10 years, I have had to work weekends, evenings, all my days off. I had to find babysitters, and drivers and cooks. I have stumbled in at 11pm after a long circle, only to get up again 4 hours later and do it all over again. And sometimes for 2 people who paid me $80 collectively, not mentioning rent and stuff I bought for the circle.
That is just the reality of this life as a healer, reader and human. Or it was my reality. Maybe I should say, that is the reality of someone who is mired in scarcity thinking and self-loathing. This must be what I deserve, because I have never not worked. Not since I was 13. I always had a job. It is where my worth was based, and that isn’t fair to anyone, most of all me.
+ + + + +
I stand at a crossroads again. There is an office on the left side of my consciousness. In it are shelves of books about all my special interests--tarot, crystals, mythology, shamanic healing, religions, mental health. There are classes I should teach, people who need readings, there was journeys to perform, and it is filled with people begging me to help them. It looks so inviting to me. But it is set up like a casino--no clocks, no loved ones, just me giving of myself until I drop.
On the other side of my consciousness is a simple row of telephones. They go to a direct prayer line to Great Spirit. If I walk to the phone booth, I get to ask for help with my workaholism and my boundary-less practice. I get to plug in. I get to move my body. I get to eat more than energy bars and mixed nuts. I get to keep it simple and log off of social for a minute, and ask my kids if they want to meditate with me. I might even play guitar. I will definitely be in therapy. And I will allow the 1000 yard stare to let me know I have a feeling I need to feel.
All of that is to say, I know some of you are searching around for how to schedule a one-on-one session with me or my classes. I have been struggling with some mental health challenges, including burn-out, chronic pain and fatigue, which has pushed me to make the difficult decision not to see clients for the time being. I will be focusing on self-care, mental health, and reconnecting with my spiritual practices.
I am still offering Live Q&As at the end of the month. I appreciate all your support of my personal practice. I will inform you via newsletter if I offer one-on-ones again. (I assume this will look different than it has in the past, like maybe one day a month in person and one online, or something, but this will not be offered again until at the very soonest, Winter 2023, but you never know how I will feel with some distance and healing time.)
Much love
* “Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome (WKS), sometimes referred to as wet brain, is a brain disorder related to the acute and chronic phases of a vitamin B1 (thiamine) deficiency. Thiamine depletion is seen in individuals with poor nutrition and is a common complication of long-term, heavy drinking. It's possible to reverse the symptoms when caught early, but left untreated, WKS can lead to irreversible confusion, difficulty with muscle coordination, and hallucinations.
Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome (WKS) is sometimes colloquially referred to as “wet brain.” This term, however, used to talk about WKS is stigmatizing and stems from the inaccurate belief that individuals willfully contracted WKS due to prolonged alcohol misuse. Using phrases like “wet brain” can create a negative bias, perpetuate the idea that addiction is a moral failing—and not a medical condition—and prevent individuals from seeking the help they need for WKS, which is a severe, life-threatening brain disorder that is actually comprised of two conditions.
The first part of WKS, Wernicke’s encephalopathy, is a severe and temporary condition characterized by confusion, loss of muscular coordination, and abnormal eye movements and vision changes.
The second aspect of WKS, Korsakoff’s psychosis, often follows or accompanies Wernicke’s encephalopathy. Korsakoff’s psychosis is a persistent, chronic condition that can cause significant impairment in learning and memory and interfere with a person’s ability to function normally.”
from the website American Addiction Centers
** Edwin Throckmorton Thacher (29 April 1896 – 21 March 1966) (commonly known as Ebby Thacher or Ebby T.) was an old drinking friend and later the sponsor of Alcoholics Anonymous co-founder Bill Wilson. Thacher was a school friend of Wilson, and battled his whole life with alcoholism, frequently landing in mental hospitals or jail. After one bender, three members of The Oxford Group, Rowland Hazard, F. Shepard Cornell, and Cebra Graves, convinced the court to parole Thacher into their custody. Hazard taught Thacher the Oxford Group principles and the idea that a conversion was needed between patients. Hazard lodged him in the Calvary Rescue Mission, operated by the Calvary Episcopal Church in New York City. He is credited with introducing Wilson to the initial principles that AA would soon develop, such as "one alcoholic talking to another," and the Jungian thesis which was passed along to Rowland Hazard and, in turn, to Thacher that alcoholics could recover by a "genuine conversion".
